Dear Diary:
How are you? I am fine. I watched the GOP debate yesterday. The Republican candidates have a funny way of never mentioning me or my policies directly. Maybe it’s just out of respect, or that they feel the need to be their own men, but I figure there’s a lot of political capital they’re leaving on the table. After all, nearly a quarter of Americans still proudly and enthusiastically call my Administration ‘adequate.’
Still, I want to help the GOP frontrunners to call attention to where they disagree with me, if at all. My Administration does, after all, as a rule embrace dissent. In fact, Uncle Dick has put out word to their campaigns that the first GOP candidate to criticize me publicly will be rewarded with my endorsement.
GWB
8.03.2007
Dear Dairy:
I’m so sick of this Justice Department situation that I made an appointment to see Uncle Dick, who finally had time to see me late yesterday. I asked him if what I’ve been hearing is true: that Alberto has become an endless, energy-draining distraction for the Administration. He said I had it wrong; that Alberto has become an endless, energy-draining distraction from the Administration.
‘That, George, is the power of a preposition,’ he said, with one of those tries at a smile by someone who doesn’t quite know how to do it.
GWB
I’m so sick of this Justice Department situation that I made an appointment to see Uncle Dick, who finally had time to see me late yesterday. I asked him if what I’ve been hearing is true: that Alberto has become an endless, energy-draining distraction for the Administration. He said I had it wrong; that Alberto has become an endless, energy-draining distraction from the Administration.
‘That, George, is the power of a preposition,’ he said, with one of those tries at a smile by someone who doesn’t quite know how to do it.
GWB
8.02.2007
Dear Dairy:
Congress is still grumbling about Alberto’s testimony before them being a medley of perjuries. Lots of folks mis-remember all sorts of things! This was proven in the 2004 election, when exit polling showed a large percentage of voters didn’t even accurately recall how their votes were recorded via electronic balloting.
I wish Diebold made a Congress machine.
GWB
Congress is still grumbling about Alberto’s testimony before them being a medley of perjuries. Lots of folks mis-remember all sorts of things! This was proven in the 2004 election, when exit polling showed a large percentage of voters didn’t even accurately recall how their votes were recorded via electronic balloting.
I wish Diebold made a Congress machine.
GWB
8.01.2007
Dear Dairy:
I’m relieved that Chief Justice John Roberts (code name: JR) has recovered from his seizure and there are no lingering effects that would interfere with his duties on the Court. The episode happened over the weekend while he was on vacation. Evidently, there is a discrepancy in the cable systems’ channel schedule between his residence and his vacation home, and when he thought he was tuning into The 700 Club, he inadvertently happened upon the Cinemax presentation ‘Desperate Co-Eds.’ This triggered convulsions that racked his body for several minutes and caused him to swallow his tongue.
Unfortunately, the episode was made much worse by the fact that he kept coughing up his tongue and turning the movie back on.
Saying a prayer for his continued recovery and that we get Cinemax,
GWB
I’m relieved that Chief Justice John Roberts (code name: JR) has recovered from his seizure and there are no lingering effects that would interfere with his duties on the Court. The episode happened over the weekend while he was on vacation. Evidently, there is a discrepancy in the cable systems’ channel schedule between his residence and his vacation home, and when he thought he was tuning into The 700 Club, he inadvertently happened upon the Cinemax presentation ‘Desperate Co-Eds.’ This triggered convulsions that racked his body for several minutes and caused him to swallow his tongue.
Unfortunately, the episode was made much worse by the fact that he kept coughing up his tongue and turning the movie back on.
Saying a prayer for his continued recovery and that we get Cinemax,
GWB
7.31.2007
Dear Dairy:
Had Gordon Brown overnight at Camp David. Britain’s Prime Ministers are known for their wit and he is certainly no exception. That guy is a hoot! He was snapping them off one after the other, and he never broke character once. ‘Never in your country’s history have more crucial times been met by less competent leadership;’ ‘Any association with you is political hara-kari not merely for foreign leaders but, most acutely, for members of your own party;' ‘You are one of the few leaders in history for whom a child sex scandal might be a good PR move;’ and ‘What’s so bloody funny?’
I told him Tony was pretty good-natured about having cap-gun fights, building forts and watching scary movies in our sleeping bags at these Camp David sleepovers; he said these were merely some of many respects in which his relationship with me would differ from that of his predecessor. He went to bed in the guest room and I watched ‘The Creature from the Black Lagoon’ alone; it gave me bad dreams.
He’s still learning the ropes, though. He called Afghanistan the front line, and called the ‘War on Terror’ the ‘War on Crime.’ I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes when he gets bawled out by his Vice-Prime Minister!
GWB
Had Gordon Brown overnight at Camp David. Britain’s Prime Ministers are known for their wit and he is certainly no exception. That guy is a hoot! He was snapping them off one after the other, and he never broke character once. ‘Never in your country’s history have more crucial times been met by less competent leadership;’ ‘Any association with you is political hara-kari not merely for foreign leaders but, most acutely, for members of your own party;' ‘You are one of the few leaders in history for whom a child sex scandal might be a good PR move;’ and ‘What’s so bloody funny?’
I told him Tony was pretty good-natured about having cap-gun fights, building forts and watching scary movies in our sleeping bags at these Camp David sleepovers; he said these were merely some of many respects in which his relationship with me would differ from that of his predecessor. He went to bed in the guest room and I watched ‘The Creature from the Black Lagoon’ alone; it gave me bad dreams.
He’s still learning the ropes, though. He called Afghanistan the front line, and called the ‘War on Terror’ the ‘War on Crime.’ I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes when he gets bawled out by his Vice-Prime Minister!
GWB
7.30.2007
Dear Dairy:
The 2008 Campaign presents an exciting field of candidates who represent historic firsts in American politics, vying for the highest office in the land. Hillary Clinton is the first female candidate. Barack Obama is the first serious Black contender. Rudy Guiliani is the first bald candidate. Mitt Romney represents the first mildly retarded Presidential hopeful.
My money’s on Romney; he’s a natural choice for voters who want a change of pace from the cerebral, hyper-intellectualism that has been the hallmark of my leadership. America shops at Walmart, and Romney conveys the presence and ability of someone who might well have risen to an assistant manager in charge of office supplies position at their local store, even without a wealthy and powerful father.
GWB
The 2008 Campaign presents an exciting field of candidates who represent historic firsts in American politics, vying for the highest office in the land. Hillary Clinton is the first female candidate. Barack Obama is the first serious Black contender. Rudy Guiliani is the first bald candidate. Mitt Romney represents the first mildly retarded Presidential hopeful.
My money’s on Romney; he’s a natural choice for voters who want a change of pace from the cerebral, hyper-intellectualism that has been the hallmark of my leadership. America shops at Walmart, and Romney conveys the presence and ability of someone who might well have risen to an assistant manager in charge of office supplies position at their local store, even without a wealthy and powerful father.
GWB
7.27.2007
Dear Dairy:
FBI Director Robert Mueller (code name: Ferris) testified in front of Congress yesterday and his version of events stood in direct contrast to that of Attorney General Gonzales. Up to now, I have ascribed such discrepancies to simple mis-remembering by folks whose attention to detail was lacking. But when Robert Mueller’s account differs substantially from that of Speedy, and I reflect that he is a trained intelligence officer, one of the highest-ranking in the land, with a distinguished career of committed public service, what he is saying becomes crystal clear: he is eager to explore opportunities in the private sector.
The truth is not something to be dictated by the whim of facts or actual events. The truth is how we contextualize the righteousness of our actions, and sometimes must be shaped to that end. That an outstanding intelligence officer whose life has been dedicated to getting at truth has in this instance failed to understand its essential function is a sure sign that sadly, he has been on the job too long.
Sadly, some cling to pre-9/11 notions of truth,
GWB
FBI Director Robert Mueller (code name: Ferris) testified in front of Congress yesterday and his version of events stood in direct contrast to that of Attorney General Gonzales. Up to now, I have ascribed such discrepancies to simple mis-remembering by folks whose attention to detail was lacking. But when Robert Mueller’s account differs substantially from that of Speedy, and I reflect that he is a trained intelligence officer, one of the highest-ranking in the land, with a distinguished career of committed public service, what he is saying becomes crystal clear: he is eager to explore opportunities in the private sector.
The truth is not something to be dictated by the whim of facts or actual events. The truth is how we contextualize the righteousness of our actions, and sometimes must be shaped to that end. That an outstanding intelligence officer whose life has been dedicated to getting at truth has in this instance failed to understand its essential function is a sure sign that sadly, he has been on the job too long.
Sadly, some cling to pre-9/11 notions of truth,
GWB
7.26.2007
Dear Dairy:
The House Judiciary Committee voted to prosecute Josh Bolton and Harriet Miers for contempt of Congress. Man, I miss the docile rubber stamp gang of the old majority. This group needs a recess bad. Go live a little; ride your bikes, clear some brush. I’ve got some recess appointments to make anyway.
I can’t figure this Democrat-led Congress out. They get mad if we don’t show up to testify; they get mad if we do show up and can’t seem to recall anything. They get mad if they ask questions and we refuse to answer; they get mad if they ask questions and our answers contradict the facts of our own sworn testimony and the sworn testimony of others. There’s no pleasing them either way!
Maybe they shouldn’t ask questions they don’t like the non- or inaccurate answers to!
GWB
The House Judiciary Committee voted to prosecute Josh Bolton and Harriet Miers for contempt of Congress. Man, I miss the docile rubber stamp gang of the old majority. This group needs a recess bad. Go live a little; ride your bikes, clear some brush. I’ve got some recess appointments to make anyway.
I can’t figure this Democrat-led Congress out. They get mad if we don’t show up to testify; they get mad if we do show up and can’t seem to recall anything. They get mad if they ask questions and we refuse to answer; they get mad if they ask questions and our answers contradict the facts of our own sworn testimony and the sworn testimony of others. There’s no pleasing them either way!
Maybe they shouldn’t ask questions they don’t like the non- or inaccurate answers to!
GWB
7.25.2007
Dear Dairy:
More questioning of Alberto (code name: Speedy) yesterday; the Senate is really trying to put his innocent visit to Former Attorney General Ashcroft’s hospital bed in an unsavory light. Pressuring him into renewing the spying program authorization was the last thing on my mind when I directed Speedy to make that visit! Sure, during their time together, General Ashcroft was put in a number of stress positions for prolonged periods, subjected to extreme temperatures, dowsed with water to simulate drowning, and other techniques proven to be effective in establishing an open dialogue that I prefer not to discuss, but we merely wanted to be sure that when he said he was recovering, he meant it. The renewal of the spying program? It hardly even came up.
Obviously, former Deputy Attorney General James Comey mistook the friendly tenor of the visit for something unpleasant, when it was nothing of the kind.
GWB
More questioning of Alberto (code name: Speedy) yesterday; the Senate is really trying to put his innocent visit to Former Attorney General Ashcroft’s hospital bed in an unsavory light. Pressuring him into renewing the spying program authorization was the last thing on my mind when I directed Speedy to make that visit! Sure, during their time together, General Ashcroft was put in a number of stress positions for prolonged periods, subjected to extreme temperatures, dowsed with water to simulate drowning, and other techniques proven to be effective in establishing an open dialogue that I prefer not to discuss, but we merely wanted to be sure that when he said he was recovering, he meant it. The renewal of the spying program? It hardly even came up.
Obviously, former Deputy Attorney General James Comey mistook the friendly tenor of the visit for something unpleasant, when it was nothing of the kind.
GWB
7.24.2007
Dear Dairy:
I asked Uncle Dick how he enjoyed his time as President under the 25th Amendment Saturday while I was medicated and talking to the hippy. He said it was no big deal; he signed and implemented some minor Executive Orders just for kicks but nothing anybody needs to know about. He said he would’ve pursued more of my official duties but he doesn’t have a bicycle.
Good news, the polyps taken from my colon were benign. I’m hoping to get them back so I can put them under my pillow for the colon polyp fairy. Might make some money on the deal!
Cha-ching!
GWB
I asked Uncle Dick how he enjoyed his time as President under the 25th Amendment Saturday while I was medicated and talking to the hippy. He said it was no big deal; he signed and implemented some minor Executive Orders just for kicks but nothing anybody needs to know about. He said he would’ve pursued more of my official duties but he doesn’t have a bicycle.
Good news, the polyps taken from my colon were benign. I’m hoping to get them back so I can put them under my pillow for the colon polyp fairy. Might make some money on the deal!
Cha-ching!
GWB
7.23.2007
Dear Dairy:
Saturday I underwent a colonoscopy to remove some polyps and a drug called Propofol was used to put me into a dream state while the procedure was conducted. The advantage of the drug is that general anesthesia can leave a patient groggy for several hours, while a drug like Propofol allows me to regain my prodigious mental alacrity much sooner.
While in this mildly drugged state, I had the most curious vision. I was approaching a white light of otherworldly brilliance, when suddenly in the center of it, this hippy fella with the kindest, most loving eyes I have ever seen appeared. He said ‘George, you have strayed from the righteous path at every inconvenience it presented. You risk losing sight of it forever, and in doing so putting the world of Man in grave peril. In your pride, you will lead yourself and all who follow you into an abyss that knows no redemption.’
Then the procedure was over and I was on my way, but the strange dream stayed with me. In fact, I have prayed to Jesus many times since to help me make some sense of the words that the hippy fella said, if they meant anything at all.
Searching for meaning,
GWB
Saturday I underwent a colonoscopy to remove some polyps and a drug called Propofol was used to put me into a dream state while the procedure was conducted. The advantage of the drug is that general anesthesia can leave a patient groggy for several hours, while a drug like Propofol allows me to regain my prodigious mental alacrity much sooner.
While in this mildly drugged state, I had the most curious vision. I was approaching a white light of otherworldly brilliance, when suddenly in the center of it, this hippy fella with the kindest, most loving eyes I have ever seen appeared. He said ‘George, you have strayed from the righteous path at every inconvenience it presented. You risk losing sight of it forever, and in doing so putting the world of Man in grave peril. In your pride, you will lead yourself and all who follow you into an abyss that knows no redemption.’
Then the procedure was over and I was on my way, but the strange dream stayed with me. In fact, I have prayed to Jesus many times since to help me make some sense of the words that the hippy fella said, if they meant anything at all.
Searching for meaning,
GWB
7.20.2007
Dear Dairy:
Day 3 with the strategists. I told ‘em look, History must have some examples of ways leaders who were scornfully misunderstood by three-quarters of their people became more fondly thought of and viewed in a forgiving light. They sort of hemmed and hawed, and I said spit it out, and they said ‘assassination.’
Well that’s out of the question, I told them, let’s keep some perspective here. I ended the meeting and excused myself for an important ride on my bicycle.
Still, just for argument’s sake, I’m curious who they would’ve had me assassinate.
I mean, if it’s only one guy…
GWB
Day 3 with the strategists. I told ‘em look, History must have some examples of ways leaders who were scornfully misunderstood by three-quarters of their people became more fondly thought of and viewed in a forgiving light. They sort of hemmed and hawed, and I said spit it out, and they said ‘assassination.’
Well that’s out of the question, I told them, let’s keep some perspective here. I ended the meeting and excused myself for an important ride on my bicycle.
Still, just for argument’s sake, I’m curious who they would’ve had me assassinate.
I mean, if it’s only one guy…
GWB
7.19.2007
Dear Dairy:
Day 2 with the strategists. I told them that although I’m resigned to the notion that my Presidency will not be fully appreciated for hundreds of years, if then, I’d still like to know what I can do to stop people from using the phrase ‘worst President of all time’ so damn often.
The strategist said I might want to convey the idea that I had been misled into my policies and been used as the instrument of evil people to achieve goals I was really unaware of. If I were merely the well-meaning marionette of an evil puppet-master, people would surely respond with sympathy.
I looked over at Uncle Dick but he shook his head ‘no’ real curt-like. So much for that.
They’ll like me when I’m dead,
GWB
Day 2 with the strategists. I told them that although I’m resigned to the notion that my Presidency will not be fully appreciated for hundreds of years, if then, I’d still like to know what I can do to stop people from using the phrase ‘worst President of all time’ so damn often.
The strategist said I might want to convey the idea that I had been misled into my policies and been used as the instrument of evil people to achieve goals I was really unaware of. If I were merely the well-meaning marionette of an evil puppet-master, people would surely respond with sympathy.
I looked over at Uncle Dick but he shook his head ‘no’ real curt-like. So much for that.
They’ll like me when I’m dead,
GWB
7.18.2007
Dear Dairy:
We’re having strategists in every day to combat these misperceptions that my Administration is more isolated and disregarded than Rudy Guiliani on Father’s Day. I said at least my approval ratings are higher than Congress; those wind-suckers are down to 24%!
But the strategist said the main reason for the low numbers for Congress is that in the people’s eyes, they haven’t done enough to counter my Administration and its hugely unpopular policies. He said our strategies are so odious that they’re sinking the approval of the Presidency and the Congress, and damaging both parties.
So I guess our policies are what you’d call a ‘mixed blessing.’
GWB
We’re having strategists in every day to combat these misperceptions that my Administration is more isolated and disregarded than Rudy Guiliani on Father’s Day. I said at least my approval ratings are higher than Congress; those wind-suckers are down to 24%!
But the strategist said the main reason for the low numbers for Congress is that in the people’s eyes, they haven’t done enough to counter my Administration and its hugely unpopular policies. He said our strategies are so odious that they’re sinking the approval of the Presidency and the Congress, and damaging both parties.
So I guess our policies are what you’d call a ‘mixed blessing.’
GWB
7.17.2007
Dear Dairy:
Man, am I sick of polls. Seems like there’s a new one every day: most Americans hate the war, hate my strategy, think we’re on the wrong track, think the invasion was a mistake, think the war has made us less safe, and disapprove of me personally.
Well, the Presidency is not a popularity contest. If it were, we would’ve counted all the votes.
I personally thought much more highly of the validity and accuracy of polls when they were more positive towards me and my policies. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore! I don’t see why they had to do new ones when the old ones were perfectly good.
According to a poll I just took, polls suck,
GWB
Man, am I sick of polls. Seems like there’s a new one every day: most Americans hate the war, hate my strategy, think we’re on the wrong track, think the invasion was a mistake, think the war has made us less safe, and disapprove of me personally.
Well, the Presidency is not a popularity contest. If it were, we would’ve counted all the votes.
I personally thought much more highly of the validity and accuracy of polls when they were more positive towards me and my policies. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore! I don’t see why they had to do new ones when the old ones were perfectly good.
According to a poll I just took, polls suck,
GWB
7.16.2007
Dear Dairy:
People are upset that the Iraqi government has failed to meet a series of benchmarks, or any of the important ones, or even a sizable portion of a single important facet of the benchmarks proposed. But maybe they’re too busy hiding the facts of embarrassing internal scandals to do much of anything effectively. I know what that’s like.
I told Uncle Dick how I’m now one card (I’ll get you, Joe Crede!) from finishing my Topps set, and he asked me if I would trade an ’89 Sammy Sosa for an ’89 Harold Baines. I said no way—what kind of idiot would make that trade? Must’ve stumped him, because he just kinda smirked and went back to his paperwork.
Savvily,
GWB
People are upset that the Iraqi government has failed to meet a series of benchmarks, or any of the important ones, or even a sizable portion of a single important facet of the benchmarks proposed. But maybe they’re too busy hiding the facts of embarrassing internal scandals to do much of anything effectively. I know what that’s like.
I told Uncle Dick how I’m now one card (I’ll get you, Joe Crede!) from finishing my Topps set, and he asked me if I would trade an ’89 Sammy Sosa for an ’89 Harold Baines. I said no way—what kind of idiot would make that trade? Must’ve stumped him, because he just kinda smirked and went back to his paperwork.
Savvily,
GWB
7.13.2007
Dear Dairy:
Congress is apparently initiating contempt proceedings against Harriet Miers for "forgetting" to testify yesterday. They should know by now how bad the memories of members of my Administration tend to be.
People unfairly likened my attempts to make her a Supreme Court judge to Nero making his horse a Senator, but this woman’s legal acumen is rivaled only by the most dedicated viewers of ‘Matlock.’ And her personal dedication to me is unimpeachable. She would gladly crawl through a runoff canal full of entrails at a slaughterhouse just to lather her body afterwards with a urinal soap cake I’d pissed on.
It was the weirdest thing I ever saw.
Loyalty is the most important competence,
GWB
Congress is apparently initiating contempt proceedings against Harriet Miers for "forgetting" to testify yesterday. They should know by now how bad the memories of members of my Administration tend to be.
People unfairly likened my attempts to make her a Supreme Court judge to Nero making his horse a Senator, but this woman’s legal acumen is rivaled only by the most dedicated viewers of ‘Matlock.’ And her personal dedication to me is unimpeachable. She would gladly crawl through a runoff canal full of entrails at a slaughterhouse just to lather her body afterwards with a urinal soap cake I’d pissed on.
It was the weirdest thing I ever saw.
Loyalty is the most important competence,
GWB
7.12.2007
Dear Dairy:
The questioning by Congress of my subordinates is dragging along. We’re doing everything possible to comply fully with their investigation, short of giving any answers, or acknowledging their right to ask questions, or showing up to testify, but my patience is waning.
Why are they doing this to me? It’s not like Clinton or one of his aides was ever put under oath and forced to answer a lot of embarrassing personal questions that were nobody’s goddamn business.
Persecutedly,
GWB
The questioning by Congress of my subordinates is dragging along. We’re doing everything possible to comply fully with their investigation, short of giving any answers, or acknowledging their right to ask questions, or showing up to testify, but my patience is waning.
Why are they doing this to me? It’s not like Clinton or one of his aides was ever put under oath and forced to answer a lot of embarrassing personal questions that were nobody’s goddamn business.
Persecutedly,
GWB
7.11.2007
Dear Dairy:
Word came yesterday that China executed a former government official who had been found guilty in Chinese court of crimes in his official capacity. Some may say that execution is too extreme a penalty for misconduct, but I do not agree. I feel that public officials must be held to a higher standard, as they are the models whose behavior their society will emulate. When they are found to be corrupt, they must face the most unflinching punishment, for the good of society. A government that doesn’t enforce consequences on itself has no moral weight.
Also, today I got a thank-you card from Scooter Libby---attached to a box of 2007 Topps Baseball cards!
The Hobbyist President,
GWB
Word came yesterday that China executed a former government official who had been found guilty in Chinese court of crimes in his official capacity. Some may say that execution is too extreme a penalty for misconduct, but I do not agree. I feel that public officials must be held to a higher standard, as they are the models whose behavior their society will emulate. When they are found to be corrupt, they must face the most unflinching punishment, for the good of society. A government that doesn’t enforce consequences on itself has no moral weight.
Also, today I got a thank-you card from Scooter Libby---attached to a box of 2007 Topps Baseball cards!
The Hobbyist President,
GWB
7.10.2007
Dear Dairy:
Congress has turned into a subpoena factory, and are threatening to get the courts involved. This is one of the flaws of our system of government; oftentimes the Legislative and Judicial branches interfere with the absolute power of the Executive branch that the founding fathers intended.
Unchecked and Unbalanced,
GWB
Congress has turned into a subpoena factory, and are threatening to get the courts involved. This is one of the flaws of our system of government; oftentimes the Legislative and Judicial branches interfere with the absolute power of the Executive branch that the founding fathers intended.
Unchecked and Unbalanced,
GWB
7.09.2007
Dear Dairy:
Watched some of the Al Gore ‘It’s Getting Hot in Here’ concert to raise awareness about global warming. What’s good for the goose is good for the other goose, though, and I’m toying with the idea of a benefit to promote unawareness of global warming.
We’ve lined up some top-flight entertainers that put the Gore gang to shame. Yakov Smirnoff and Lucy Arnaz have already confirmed that they will play anytime, anywhere, as long as sandwiches are provided. Ron Palillo and Joyce DeWitt will be playing Lord and Lady Macbeth in a nonprofit production of Macbeth to be performed in the Sporting Goods section of a Tuscaloosa Walmart we'll broadcast live via camera phone. Our feelers are out to Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings, and frankly I’m a little disappointed that they have yet to respond. They would be great for the all-star singalong at the end with one of the great singer songwriters of all time—yes, Joe Dolce will be performing ‘Shuddupa You Face," which will be a great chance for folks who hate county fairs to come out and see him.
Counting down to the Concert for Status Quo,
GWB
P.S. I wonder if we can get Status Quo to play?
Watched some of the Al Gore ‘It’s Getting Hot in Here’ concert to raise awareness about global warming. What’s good for the goose is good for the other goose, though, and I’m toying with the idea of a benefit to promote unawareness of global warming.
We’ve lined up some top-flight entertainers that put the Gore gang to shame. Yakov Smirnoff and Lucy Arnaz have already confirmed that they will play anytime, anywhere, as long as sandwiches are provided. Ron Palillo and Joyce DeWitt will be playing Lord and Lady Macbeth in a nonprofit production of Macbeth to be performed in the Sporting Goods section of a Tuscaloosa Walmart we'll broadcast live via camera phone. Our feelers are out to Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings, and frankly I’m a little disappointed that they have yet to respond. They would be great for the all-star singalong at the end with one of the great singer songwriters of all time—yes, Joe Dolce will be performing ‘Shuddupa You Face," which will be a great chance for folks who hate county fairs to come out and see him.
Counting down to the Concert for Status Quo,
GWB
P.S. I wonder if we can get Status Quo to play?
7.06.2007
Dear Dairy:
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear myself,
Happy Birthday to me!
Tony Snow and Laura decorated the bunker with balloons and bunting; it looked so festive! Everyone gathered around and sang to me and I made a wish and blew out the candles on a huge banana crème birthday cake. Then Uncle Dick said my wish came true—the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals dismissed the challenge to my domestic spying program. Now how did they know it was my birthday?
Now we can take a real close look at this snotty ‘Tom’ on ‘myspace’---and all his ‘friends’!
Still waiting for my wish to come true and get a box of 2007 Topps Baseball cards, though.
61 is fun!
GWB
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear myself,
Happy Birthday to me!
Tony Snow and Laura decorated the bunker with balloons and bunting; it looked so festive! Everyone gathered around and sang to me and I made a wish and blew out the candles on a huge banana crème birthday cake. Then Uncle Dick said my wish came true—the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals dismissed the challenge to my domestic spying program. Now how did they know it was my birthday?
Now we can take a real close look at this snotty ‘Tom’ on ‘myspace’---and all his ‘friends’!
Still waiting for my wish to come true and get a box of 2007 Topps Baseball cards, though.
61 is fun!
GWB
7.05.2007
Dear Dairy:
Nice to have the family together for the Fourth of July yesterday, even though I "forgot" to tell Dad about it. I didn't want to hear his excuse why he "had" to go to Bill Clinton's barbeque instead.
It was great that the Twins took a break from the hard work they do, promoting America by tirelessly drinking Jägermeister all around the world, and showed up to collect their allowances in person. I asked them to give me an idea of how popular I was with the younger set.
They said that if I were to start a ‘myspace’ page, I couldn’t even get Tom as my friend.
Who’s Tom?
GWB
Nice to have the family together for the Fourth of July yesterday, even though I "forgot" to tell Dad about it. I didn't want to hear his excuse why he "had" to go to Bill Clinton's barbeque instead.
It was great that the Twins took a break from the hard work they do, promoting America by tirelessly drinking Jägermeister all around the world, and showed up to collect their allowances in person. I asked them to give me an idea of how popular I was with the younger set.
They said that if I were to start a ‘myspace’ page, I couldn’t even get Tom as my friend.
Who’s Tom?
GWB
7.04.2007
Dear Dairy:
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you;
Happy Birthday, America,
Happy Birthday to you!
I just want to say that for a 237-year old lady, you look fantastic, America. You’re vibrant and beautiful. You’re nurturing and you’re strong. You’re traditional and modern at the same time.
If only the Constitution were aging so well!
Proud to take patriotism as my last refuge,
GWB
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you;
Happy Birthday, America,
Happy Birthday to you!
I just want to say that for a 237-year old lady, you look fantastic, America. You’re vibrant and beautiful. You’re nurturing and you’re strong. You’re traditional and modern at the same time.
If only the Constitution were aging so well!
Proud to take patriotism as my last refuge,
GWB
7.03.2007
Dear Dairy:
Commuting a sentence is a very serious undertaking. When I was Governor of Texas, I oversaw 152 executions. Every one of them wanted me to intervene--even that retarded gal--but I refused to even read their petitions for commutation. So no one knows better than me that such action is not to be taken lightly.
Some people thought that letting all those executions proceed was monstrous, but I had to respect the courts' decisions--152 times. But I know a too-severe sentence when I see it, and I have too much Christian compassion in my heart to allow this cruel vengeance to be taken on Scooter Libby. 30 months in one of those minimum-security facilities and he'd never be the same. For one thing, he'd be damn near unbeatable on the golf course.
Critics will call it an Administration obstructing justice and protecting one of its own who has brazenly flouted the rule of law in the service of that Administration. I prefer to call it 'Reaganesque.'
In Judiciousness,
GWB
Commuting a sentence is a very serious undertaking. When I was Governor of Texas, I oversaw 152 executions. Every one of them wanted me to intervene--even that retarded gal--but I refused to even read their petitions for commutation. So no one knows better than me that such action is not to be taken lightly.
Some people thought that letting all those executions proceed was monstrous, but I had to respect the courts' decisions--152 times. But I know a too-severe sentence when I see it, and I have too much Christian compassion in my heart to allow this cruel vengeance to be taken on Scooter Libby. 30 months in one of those minimum-security facilities and he'd never be the same. For one thing, he'd be damn near unbeatable on the golf course.
Critics will call it an Administration obstructing justice and protecting one of its own who has brazenly flouted the rule of law in the service of that Administration. I prefer to call it 'Reaganesque.'
In Judiciousness,
GWB
7.02.2007
Dear Dairy:
I hosted Vladimir Putin at Dad’s house this weekend—Dad says the First Father is supposed to supervise all visits from Superpower Heads-of-State, that it’s written into the Constitution. I’ve just got to read that thing.
Seems like the two of them were always off doing something: playing Chess, watching ‘Dancing with the Stars’; they almost left on Dad’s boat until I came running up the dock. They partnered up and took some of the Secret Service guys’ money playing Bridge while I took a bike ride by myself. Looks like Dad’s found a new favorite son—tough luck, Bill Clinton!
I told Putin that he speaks English better than I expected. He said thanks and that my ‘command of English exceeded his expectations as well.’ Dad thought that was a goddamn hoot, though I don’t see why.
Presidenting is lonely work,
GWB
I hosted Vladimir Putin at Dad’s house this weekend—Dad says the First Father is supposed to supervise all visits from Superpower Heads-of-State, that it’s written into the Constitution. I’ve just got to read that thing.
Seems like the two of them were always off doing something: playing Chess, watching ‘Dancing with the Stars’; they almost left on Dad’s boat until I came running up the dock. They partnered up and took some of the Secret Service guys’ money playing Bridge while I took a bike ride by myself. Looks like Dad’s found a new favorite son—tough luck, Bill Clinton!
I told Putin that he speaks English better than I expected. He said thanks and that my ‘command of English exceeded his expectations as well.’ Dad thought that was a goddamn hoot, though I don’t see why.
Presidenting is lonely work,
GWB
6.29.2007
Dear Dairy:
Everyone’s using adverbs like ‘crushing’ and ‘humiliating’ and ‘impotence-exposing’ to describe the defeat of my Immigration Bill, which lost 46-53 in Senate voting yesterday. The naysayers claim it will set back immigration reform for 2 years; well into my third term.
But facing hard facts is a Democratic strategy of little use to me. So I have drawn up plans for a Congressional ‘surge’—I will call up 15 additional Senators to serve on Capitol Hill and quell the insurgency that has denied our objectives so far, and set us on a clear path to victory. I will assign General Pace to issue a report on conditions from the Senate floor in September, and at that point decide whether additional Senator deployments will be necessary.
If this doesn’t succeed, my plan C will be to allow a flood of undocumented congressmen to come and take their jobs. They will work with fewer congressional recesses, lower pay and reduced benefits. It could revitalize Congress the way it has so many other industries here in the States.
El Gusto es Mio,
GWB
Everyone’s using adverbs like ‘crushing’ and ‘humiliating’ and ‘impotence-exposing’ to describe the defeat of my Immigration Bill, which lost 46-53 in Senate voting yesterday. The naysayers claim it will set back immigration reform for 2 years; well into my third term.
But facing hard facts is a Democratic strategy of little use to me. So I have drawn up plans for a Congressional ‘surge’—I will call up 15 additional Senators to serve on Capitol Hill and quell the insurgency that has denied our objectives so far, and set us on a clear path to victory. I will assign General Pace to issue a report on conditions from the Senate floor in September, and at that point decide whether additional Senator deployments will be necessary.
If this doesn’t succeed, my plan C will be to allow a flood of undocumented congressmen to come and take their jobs. They will work with fewer congressional recesses, lower pay and reduced benefits. It could revitalize Congress the way it has so many other industries here in the States.
El Gusto es Mio,
GWB
6.28.2007
Dear Dairy:
Looks like everyone’s upset about my Administration not making its documents available to Congress. There’s just no pleasing some folks. They’re always mad about our domestic spying and warrantless wiretaps and generally casual disregard for Americans’ rights to privacy on the one hand, but when we decide that our own documents should be kept top secret, that’s somehow bad too.
I mean, they can’t have it both ways! Why are they so secretive about themselves and so nosy about everyone else? Am I the only one who sees the hypocrisy?
Perplexed,
GWB
Looks like everyone’s upset about my Administration not making its documents available to Congress. There’s just no pleasing some folks. They’re always mad about our domestic spying and warrantless wiretaps and generally casual disregard for Americans’ rights to privacy on the one hand, but when we decide that our own documents should be kept top secret, that’s somehow bad too.
I mean, they can’t have it both ways! Why are they so secretive about themselves and so nosy about everyone else? Am I the only one who sees the hypocrisy?
Perplexed,
GWB
6.27.2007
Dear Dairy:
Everyone is very pleased about the Iraqi court's conviction of 'Chemical Ali' for his role in the gassing of the Kurds in 1988. It feels good to bring the people behind this atrocity to justice.
Then I said we should pursue the others who bear responsibility for the gassing--and expose whichever nation it was that gave these awful chemical weapons to Saddam in the first place.
Man, things got quiet. Then Uncle Dick opened up his desk drawer and pulled out--an unopened box of 2007 Topps Baseball cards! But not unopened for long! The meeting was over then and there, as far as I was concerned!
Collecting 'em all,
GWB
Everyone is very pleased about the Iraqi court's conviction of 'Chemical Ali' for his role in the gassing of the Kurds in 1988. It feels good to bring the people behind this atrocity to justice.
Then I said we should pursue the others who bear responsibility for the gassing--and expose whichever nation it was that gave these awful chemical weapons to Saddam in the first place.
Man, things got quiet. Then Uncle Dick opened up his desk drawer and pulled out--an unopened box of 2007 Topps Baseball cards! But not unopened for long! The meeting was over then and there, as far as I was concerned!
Collecting 'em all,
GWB
6.26.2007
Dear Dairy:
It is indeed a dark day for America. I just found out about a secret program monitoring the activities of Americans. Snooping. Invading. Keeping files. It’s called the National Archives, and it allows for the looking over the shoulder of people just like you and me, who have done nothing wrong except to work in the Executive Branch of government. Worse, it tells them what documents they can and cannot destroy to protect their privacy. They want to go through my stuff!
There is no excuse for this invasion of privacy. It’s un-American. They say it’s in the ‘national interest’ but believe me, that is merely the rationale of people taking as much power for themselves as they can get away with.
Am I the only one who still believes in rights to privacy from the government?
Dismayed,
GWB
It is indeed a dark day for America. I just found out about a secret program monitoring the activities of Americans. Snooping. Invading. Keeping files. It’s called the National Archives, and it allows for the looking over the shoulder of people just like you and me, who have done nothing wrong except to work in the Executive Branch of government. Worse, it tells them what documents they can and cannot destroy to protect their privacy. They want to go through my stuff!
There is no excuse for this invasion of privacy. It’s un-American. They say it’s in the ‘national interest’ but believe me, that is merely the rationale of people taking as much power for themselves as they can get away with.
Am I the only one who still believes in rights to privacy from the government?
Dismayed,
GWB
6.25.2007
6.22.2007
Dear Dairy:
To be honest, I had been having kind of a down week, but when I heard that Newsweek came out with another poll and my approval rate is running strong at a surprising 26%, it cheered me right up. The American public understands by a better than 1-in-4 margin that I’m doing a heck of a job.
It’s true that I’m stubborn. Once I talk something out with Jesus I don’t let circumstances or new information or the pleading of Generals sway me. If I have to choose between facts and beliefs, I’ll go with beliefs. And there are still over 25% of Americans out there that appreciate that I stand firm and never, ever admit mistakes.
I think they’re a lot like me.
Buoyed by the nation’s quarter-support,
GWB
To be honest, I had been having kind of a down week, but when I heard that Newsweek came out with another poll and my approval rate is running strong at a surprising 26%, it cheered me right up. The American public understands by a better than 1-in-4 margin that I’m doing a heck of a job.
It’s true that I’m stubborn. Once I talk something out with Jesus I don’t let circumstances or new information or the pleading of Generals sway me. If I have to choose between facts and beliefs, I’ll go with beliefs. And there are still over 25% of Americans out there that appreciate that I stand firm and never, ever admit mistakes.
I think they’re a lot like me.
Buoyed by the nation’s quarter-support,
GWB
6.21.2007
Dear Dairy:
That shaky kid from the Back to the Future movies is mad at me because I vetoed the Stem Cell Research Bill, but I feel it was the right thing to do. I don’t have anything against stems, but I think that medical research should be done for humans, particularly in the field of Anatomy. Did you know there are parts of the human body as yet undiscovered? For instance, people can’t say for sure where the soul is; even The Bible, otherwise pretty solid scientifically, is vague on the question.
We need to find out exactly where it resides. Next time a mother of a fallen soldier sneaks through the screening process of one of my Townhall meetings and tearfully asks me where my soul is, I need to be able to tell her.
Uncle Dick said it was in the tip of my middle finger, and I should have shown it to her.
Do I have two souls?
GWB
That shaky kid from the Back to the Future movies is mad at me because I vetoed the Stem Cell Research Bill, but I feel it was the right thing to do. I don’t have anything against stems, but I think that medical research should be done for humans, particularly in the field of Anatomy. Did you know there are parts of the human body as yet undiscovered? For instance, people can’t say for sure where the soul is; even The Bible, otherwise pretty solid scientifically, is vague on the question.
We need to find out exactly where it resides. Next time a mother of a fallen soldier sneaks through the screening process of one of my Townhall meetings and tearfully asks me where my soul is, I need to be able to tell her.
Uncle Dick said it was in the tip of my middle finger, and I should have shown it to her.
Do I have two souls?
GWB
6.20.2007
Dear Dairy:
Today was much better. Uncle Dick took me out for ice cream and explained that he was meeting yesterday with men from the oil companies about the Hydrocarbon Law we’re pushing through Iraq’s Parliament.
I didn’t really understand but I could tell it was VERY important. Then he got me the biggest banana split I ever saw. Man, did my tummy hurt after!
Needless to say, he’s back on the ticket for ’08.
Happily,
GWB
Today was much better. Uncle Dick took me out for ice cream and explained that he was meeting yesterday with men from the oil companies about the Hydrocarbon Law we’re pushing through Iraq’s Parliament.
I didn’t really understand but I could tell it was VERY important. Then he got me the biggest banana split I ever saw. Man, did my tummy hurt after!
Needless to say, he’s back on the ticket for ’08.
Happily,
GWB
6.19.2007
Dear Dairy:
How are you? I am sad. Today was sucky. I ran into Uncle Dick’s office with my mitt to see if he wanted to play catch. He was meeting with a bunch of important men and he snapped at me to get out and leave them alone.
I hate him. Next time I run for President I’m getting a different Vice President, if it’s OK with him.
Madly,
GWB
How are you? I am sad. Today was sucky. I ran into Uncle Dick’s office with my mitt to see if he wanted to play catch. He was meeting with a bunch of important men and he snapped at me to get out and leave them alone.
I hate him. Next time I run for President I’m getting a different Vice President, if it’s OK with him.
Madly,
GWB
6.18.2007
Dear Dairy:
How are you? I am disappointed. Everybody’s ganging up on my immigration reform bill.
What people seem to be forgetting is the American dream. That it is the dream of people everywhere to come to a land where they are free to be wealthy industrialists and benefit from an endless supply of cheap, union-shy and easily exploited labor.
Darn it, this is supposed to be the land of opportunism, isn’t it?
Perseveringly,
GWB
How are you? I am disappointed. Everybody’s ganging up on my immigration reform bill.
What people seem to be forgetting is the American dream. That it is the dream of people everywhere to come to a land where they are free to be wealthy industrialists and benefit from an endless supply of cheap, union-shy and easily exploited labor.
Darn it, this is supposed to be the land of opportunism, isn’t it?
Perseveringly,
GWB
6.15.2007
Dear Dairy:
What might put a damper on construction of the Oval Office fort is that we have another fort in the planning stages. I didn’t know about it, but I heard Uncle Dick on the phone laughing about building something called ‘Fort Dumbshit.' I don’t know where it’s going to be but I’m getting my flightsuit ready to land there in a jet airplane.
14 days until vacation at Kennebunkport! I’m so excited!
Anxiously,
GWB
What might put a damper on construction of the Oval Office fort is that we have another fort in the planning stages. I didn’t know about it, but I heard Uncle Dick on the phone laughing about building something called ‘Fort Dumbshit.' I don’t know where it’s going to be but I’m getting my flightsuit ready to land there in a jet airplane.
14 days until vacation at Kennebunkport! I’m so excited!
Anxiously,
GWB
6.14.2007
6.13.2007
6.12.2007
Dear Dairy:
I have just learned about what is being done with detainees at Guantanamo and frankly, I am sickened. I’m talking about, of course, waterboarding.
This is a stain on my Presidency and a shame on our great nation. This is not the America good men and women are fighting and dying for. I can see why nations around the world are losing respect for us. The thought that the United States of America is actually teaching these evildoers to surf disgusts me.
I’m going to find out who’s responsible and ask Uncle Dick if he can fire him.
Disgustedly,
GWB
I have just learned about what is being done with detainees at Guantanamo and frankly, I am sickened. I’m talking about, of course, waterboarding.
This is a stain on my Presidency and a shame on our great nation. This is not the America good men and women are fighting and dying for. I can see why nations around the world are losing respect for us. The thought that the United States of America is actually teaching these evildoers to surf disgusts me.
I’m going to find out who’s responsible and ask Uncle Dick if he can fire him.
Disgustedly,
GWB
6.11.2007
Dear Dairy:
Sure do like Albania. Unlike these other European countries and so many other nations around the world, the people here know how to make a leader of the free world feel welcome.
I believe very strongly in independence for Kosovo, and not just because of the Beach Boys hit it inspired. I do love the song, though, as it pretty much settles that Mike Love is the real songwriting genius of the band.
Getting there fast and taking it slow,
GWB
Sure do like Albania. Unlike these other European countries and so many other nations around the world, the people here know how to make a leader of the free world feel welcome.
I believe very strongly in independence for Kosovo, and not just because of the Beach Boys hit it inspired. I do love the song, though, as it pretty much settles that Mike Love is the real songwriting genius of the band.
Getting there fast and taking it slow,
GWB
6.08.2007
Dear Dairy:
The G8 is like asshole camp. Everyone talks about boring stuff. I want to go home.
They had models of these missile interceptors and when I was playing with them Angie Merkel snapped at me. Take it easy, lady. We’re the USA, we’ve saved the world a couple times, maybe you heard about it? If it wasn’t for us, all your people would be speaking German right now.
Seriously,
GWB
The G8 is like asshole camp. Everyone talks about boring stuff. I want to go home.
They had models of these missile interceptors and when I was playing with them Angie Merkel snapped at me. Take it easy, lady. We’re the USA, we’ve saved the world a couple times, maybe you heard about it? If it wasn’t for us, all your people would be speaking German right now.
Seriously,
GWB
6.07.2007
Dear Dairy:
How are you? I am fine. I’m here at the G8 summit, which is a meeting of all the important nations of the world and Canada. I’ve traveled around Germany a little but haven’t seen a Der Wienerschnitzel yet; I sure could go for a corndog.
This Putin fella gets on my nerves. He thinks he’s so great. Keep pushing, little guy; you’re gonna find yourself in a spider-hole. Napoleon and Hitler both invaded Russia, so it’s not like it can’t be done successfully.
Diplomatically,
GWB
How are you? I am fine. I’m here at the G8 summit, which is a meeting of all the important nations of the world and Canada. I’ve traveled around Germany a little but haven’t seen a Der Wienerschnitzel yet; I sure could go for a corndog.
This Putin fella gets on my nerves. He thinks he’s so great. Keep pushing, little guy; you’re gonna find yourself in a spider-hole. Napoleon and Hitler both invaded Russia, so it’s not like it can’t be done successfully.
Diplomatically,
GWB
6.06.2007
Dear Dairy:
I told Uncle Dick about how I’m getting ready for my book deal, and he gave me one of those looks like I just broke something in his office again. He told me about a great book I should get on tape about a utopia set in the future. It’s called ‘1984.’ He said there’s a part in it about a boot and a human face that is a hoot. It made him smile just thinking about it.
His smile always reminds me of a fella with his jaws wired shut trying to scream.
Discouraged,
GWB
I told Uncle Dick about how I’m getting ready for my book deal, and he gave me one of those looks like I just broke something in his office again. He told me about a great book I should get on tape about a utopia set in the future. It’s called ‘1984.’ He said there’s a part in it about a boot and a human face that is a hoot. It made him smile just thinking about it.
His smile always reminds me of a fella with his jaws wired shut trying to scream.
Discouraged,
GWB
6.05.2007
Dear Dairy:
How are you? I am fine. Laura—the Mrs.—said if I’m going to get a book deal after I’m done Presidenting I’m going to need a day-by-day account to make stuff up from, so here goes! It seems like homework to me, but she says all the Presidents have to do it. Evidently President Carter can write one per day on the crapper, but who cares? Books are like National Intelligence Estimates: they keep writing ‘em, but nobody reads ‘em.
If I have to do one, I want it to be a graphic-novel type book; those are bitchin.’ Maybe the fella that did ‘300’ can draw it for me.
Literarily,
GWB
How are you? I am fine. Laura—the Mrs.—said if I’m going to get a book deal after I’m done Presidenting I’m going to need a day-by-day account to make stuff up from, so here goes! It seems like homework to me, but she says all the Presidents have to do it. Evidently President Carter can write one per day on the crapper, but who cares? Books are like National Intelligence Estimates: they keep writing ‘em, but nobody reads ‘em.
If I have to do one, I want it to be a graphic-novel type book; those are bitchin.’ Maybe the fella that did ‘300’ can draw it for me.
Literarily,
GWB
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