Dear Dairy:

I have just learned about what is being done with detainees at Guantanamo and frankly, I am sickened. I’m talking about, of course, waterboarding.

This is a stain on my Presidency and a shame on our great nation. This is not the America good men and women are fighting and dying for. I can see why nations around the world are losing respect for us. The thought that the United States of America is actually teaching these evildoers to surf disgusts me.

I’m going to find out who’s responsible and ask Uncle Dick if he can fire him.