Dear Dairy:

As I made clear in my speech last week, I am determined to "sprint to the finish" with regard to what remains of my term. People took this to mean I intend to get a lot done with the time I have left, but what I really meant was, like everyone else, I want it to be over as soon as possible. We're all sprinting!

If states can move up their primaries, why can’t we move up the elections? This time around we’ll even hack the machines the other way so it’s a democrat who gets stuck having to deal with all this stuff and taking the blame for where we’re headed.

Unless they nominate Hillary. I don’t even think Diebold could rig her a victory.

If I really wanted to get more stuff done, why, I’d just run for another term. Anyone who thinks I’m not in the race for ’08 because I let the Constitution be the boss of me might want to take a little bit closer look at my record so far.

I’m still thinking about that night manager job at a nice waffle house once I’m out of office. I asked Uncle Dick if people think I’d be good at that job, and he said according to a recent poll, 25% of people think I’d make an adequate waffle house night manager somewhere.

And the other 75% wish to Christ I was a waffle house night manager somewhere.


Dear Dairy:

The confirmation process for Mukasey is plodding along. I thought the deal was they’d rush through my nominee as long as I backed down on slavish loyalty to me being the number one criterion and consented to the nominee possessing at least a modicum of competence, two issues that I was only with great reluctance amenable to. I had all but promised the Attorney General post to Clarence, the kitchen staff guy who cuts the crusts off my sandwiches.

Up to yesterday, the Judiciary Committee has been happy to merely ask if Mukasey would be comfortable telling me I’m wrong, which is fine. I mean, why worry about hypotheticals that will probably never happen anyway. It’s not like I’m going to go to my Attorney General with some half-cocked notion I haven’t talked out with Jesus in advance. But today they started in with torture questions, like we have time for esoterics.

The truth is, ‘torture’ is a philosophical question. I mean, who’s to say what constitutes torture? The person it is being inflicted on? I doubt it. It’s pretty hard for them to keep their objectivity under these procedures, especially if they’re done right. It’s best to let those administering the techniques define torture. If they feel like they can simulate drowning in a humane, non-torturous way, shouldn’t we take their word for it as professionals? Or if they can electrocute genitals in a sanitary, conscientious way, they…

Wait a second, I just had an idea. We may be able to eliminate waterboarding altogether for another non-torturous technique that just occurred to me!


Dear Dairy:

There’s a tussle going on now between the GOP candidates for President as to which of them represents ‘real’ Republicanism. I think the best way for them to demonstrate their commitment to the core GOP principles would be to actually put them into practice on the campaign trail.

Firstly, they should spend vastly more on their campaigns than they are taking in with their fundraising. Deficits don’t matter, and there must be other economic indicators they can use to actually hold up as evidence of the financial success their campaigns are experiencing. If they put all their debt on a credit card, think of the robust bonus awards points they’d be able to point to accruing!

Secondly, they should have their campaign workers form unions, and then smash the organized labor efforts that make their campaigns run by locking out their workers until they accept reduced compensation and less strict safety in the workplace. This will be especially effective if they label the demands of their staffers as anti-American and ship the unpaid jobs overseas.

Thirdly and most importantly, they need to get a Hell of a lot nosier. The Republican Party is the party of minding other people’s business. People sometimes mistake this as trying to ‘legislate morality.’ We are not trying to legislate morality; we just want to make what we view as immorality illegal. Can’t folks see the difference? Peep through a few windows on the campaign trail; listen to some private phone calls. Show folks what you stand for!

Only once they can demonstrate their commitment to these core Republican principles in their own campaigns can they be trusted to implement them in the White House.


Dear Dairy:

Everywhere I look, the liberal media is buzzing over the story of Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize for his work raising awareness of global warming, assuming that the story is factual. It just isn’t. There are lots of independent studies on the Nobel Award committee processes that are poised to prove his victory is a myth, just like his documentary was.

There is certainly no hard evidence that proves Man or the Nobel Committee or Al Gore’s campaign had any effect on the fact that his selection was announced, and we have every reason to believe that other factors were really at work here. It could well be that the medal itself was, due to reasons the ideologues don’t understand, compelled to award itself to Gore due to naturally occurring circumstances totally outside of Man’s control.

The idea that he "won" is pure pseudoscience, and I have little doubt that compelling evidence to support this conclusion will be provided by panels funded by the usual corporate interests that have refuted Gore and his thesis time and time again. Good luck hearing about it in the ‘Liberal Media,’ though!

Regardless of the causality, I am saddened at the cheapening of the Nobel Peace Prize won by Henry Kissinger for his extension of the Vietnam War by years at the cost of tens of thousands of American lives, and his bombing campaign in Cambodia. That's back when the Nobel Peace Prize really meant something!


Dear Dairy:

I’m keeping an eye on the lively contest of lesser evils in the race for the Republican nomination. America’s prejudices against the mildly retarded aside, I still think Romney’s vacuous affability will see him through. He seems like the kind of guy who might be night manager at a pancake house, and would make sure you were very happy with your flapjacks, and make sure you had the syrup you wanted, even if they had to open a new can of it from the stockroom because it was a sort of obscure syrup, like Blackberry, because that’s what you want, because it’s delicious. And he’d happily dress-down your server if this wasn’t all done with the kind of customer-is-always-right cheerfulness pancake house customers have every right to expect.

In fact, if Romney found out that the cook wasn’t washing his hands per company policy, I bet he would march him out into the dining area, ask for the people’s attention, and have the cook apologize to each of them in the middle of their meals for not washing his hands after using the toilet, and if it had happened too often, why, he’d accept the fellow’s resignation, give him the Medal of Freedom, and show him the door. That is the standard of accountability that I have set and have no doubt he is capable of meeting.

I think America wants a President they feel could competently perform the duties of Pancake House night manager. Once a fella can do that, the other stuff takes care of itself.

Sometimes, when I’m going through that long dusk of the soul, and I become plagued by self-doubt, I begin to wonder whether I could effectively govern the night shift at a pancake house. But then I snap out of it, tell myself that’s stinkin’-thinkin,’ and that of course I could. With the right training and a few years to learn the ropes, I would absolutely be an adequate night manager at a pancake house. You bet I would!

What is America, really, but one big International House of Pancakes?


Dear Dairy:

Tuned in last night to watch that new show about the fellas who are a throwback to pre-evolved human beings trying to make their way in the real world of today: the Republican Debates. It was a lot funnier than the critics give it credit for!

At the same time, it was like ‘Law & Order: RNC,’ with the first appearance of Fred Thompson to finally confirm the rumors of his candidacy. He did about as well as he’s going to do until Dick Wolf starts scripting these things for him, but his attempts at appearing Reaganesque were unfortunately evocative of the wrong era. Instead of 1980-campaign trail Reagan, he was much more the desperately confused and embarrassed-by-his-misdeeds Reagan Dan Webb had on the stand in 1990.

Basically the candidates toed the same line: make all taxes totally optional and continue making our number one export American jobs, while setting their sights on the most pernicious evil in America today: the social safety nets. They sang the virtues of Free Trade in 9-part harmony, and cited 200+ year old books like The Wealth of Nations to support their position. I’m sure glad no economists advocate handing over our wives and daughters to our foreign trade partners, or there would have been a stampede on the stage to do it.

No one's advocating that yet!


Dear Dairy:

The Iraqi government is demanding Blackwater compensate the families of everyone killed in the September 16th shootout, to the tune of $8 million apiece. Excuse me, but these folks had bullets pumped into them; not winning lottery tickets. On the bright side, this proves that the Iraqi government actually can agree on something, which up until now was in grave doubt. Maybe we can loan them that ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner out of storage.

We’re all on pins & needles over here wondering how much they’re going to award the families of our war dead, who are falling needlessly due to their resolute inaction towards initiating political reconciliation. Could be a big Christmas for a whole lot of U.S. widows!

Would the $136 million Blackwater may pay be part of their cost-plus contract? Maybe they’ll be good enough to wave their profit margin on this one; otherwise these spurious wrongful death suits will be a new profit center for them.



Dear Dairy:

Laura was very upset last night by reports that religious extremist are leaving an average of 15 women dead on the streets of Basra a month for not being sufficiently observant Muslims, where under Saddam Hussein Iraqi women had rights under the Constitution that were among the broadest in the Muslim and Arab world. Is this what we’re there to do, she asked me? I explained that until I came along, conditions on the ground were determined by an insensitive, unthinking tyrant who kept the peace by routinely torturing folks. Aren’t they much better off with me?

So I woke up on the couch to a racket coming from the Vice President’s office; he was feeding reams of documents into the shredder again. I told him that this ‘dead women on the streets of Basra’-thing was really troubling to me personally for a variety of reasons. He cheered me right up: he told me that since these are Shiite groups killing Shiite women, the deaths don’t count in our official statistics, which only cover murders between the sects. Man, was that a weight off my mind! As soon as Laura unlocks our bedroom door I’m going to explain the upside, and how she’s looking at things all wrong!

She’ll also be relieved to know that this ‘bodies on the street’-thing is going to be dealt with promptly and surely. Uncle Dick is awarding a contract to a private company under the Halliburton tent that will be paid to collect and dispose of the corpses from here on out.



Dear Dairy:

The Democrats are making a lot of political hay over my veto of the Children’s Health Insurance Program, trying to make it out like I don’t care about poor kids. Whether or not that’s true, they’re making it sound pretty despicable.

They have trotted out a lot of poor kids whose lives would have been devastated without the program to tell their stories. It’s pretty unfair stuff. I decided we should go on the PR offensive too and we got testimony from some kids about how much better off they were that they didn’t get adequate medical care when they needed it. I thought them being seriously debilitated and all would win us a lot of sympathy, but the little ingrates couldn’t get through their stories without crying so hard about how they miss their limbs or their folks or whatever that no one could understand what the hell they were saying.

This is a situation that calls for some flexibility, some diplomacy, and some political maneuvering; skills with which I have been richly endowed by my Creator. I have a plan that will provide the opportunity to take millions off of their dependence on the program, which is in the end what everyone really should want. To resolve the standoff, I will be proposing that we lower the enlistment minimums for the armed services to eight years of age, to afford them, as fighting boys and girls in Iraq, the same quality health care more and more members of the armed services enjoy every day.

Statesmanlike as Hell,


Dear Dairy:

Another day, another poll. This one said that among Republican voters, 48% of my own constituency wants the GOP Presidential candidate to take a "different approach," and only 38% want the candidate to take an approach similar to mine. Evidently the other 30% of loyal Republicans just flat-out didn’t understand the question.

My critics will probably point to this and say it means I have fallen out of favor with my own party’s loyalists. Instead, I just think it means they are realistic, and understand each candidate has to have their own style, to allow them to make their own monumental mistakes in their own way; not just aping me and mine. I think any President that follows me will have an incredibly difficult act to follow. My policies and their long-term effects will see to that.

I’m starting to really like the brylcreem-y integrity of Mitt Romney, a guy who’s willing to get the job done and depending on who’s asking will answer questions any number of different ways to do it. I told Uncle Dick that Mitt Romney was a fella I thought I could relate to. He said the big difference between me and Mitt is I was a normal guy who had to pretend to be a religious fanatic to get the nomination and he’s a religious fanatic who has to pretend he’s a normal guy.

We have being opposites in common!


Dear Dairy:

The Democratic majority I thought would be a Godsend last year has yet to deliver, which only goes to show that you can never count on Democrats. The idea was that they would cut off funding for the troops in Iraq, I’d have no choice but to withdraw the troops, and whatever mess resulted could be then blamed directly on the Democrats. At that point, the stain and blame for failure in Iraq could be shifted from me onto the Democrats. ‘Everything would have gone great, if the Democrats hadn’t forcibly derailed the Bush Plan for sure victory,’ would have been the pretty impenetrable logic of GOP loyalists, forever.

Except the Democrats aren’t derailing my plan, despite the fondest expressed wishes of their supporters and the fondest unexpressed wishes of their opponents. How can we blame the Democrats for the mess in Iraq if they don’t start taking responsibility?

It’s like that old game where two cars are headed straight for each other and whoever chickens out first and swerves loses. I forget what the game is called, but what’s important is both sides in this case are letting Americans die needlessly to protect their own name in History. I think this is unspeakably selfish of the Democrats. They see me in a hole trying to dig my way out and they stand idly by rather than step up, take the shovel out of my hand, and allow me to blame the hole on them.

Playing politics with American lives is my policy, democrats! Get your own!


Dear Dairy:

Most of the furor over the four leading Republicans skipping the Soul Train debates last week has died down, thankfully, and the candidates can get back to the hard work of appealing to Americans who are disinclined to vote for the GOP: registered Republican voters.

I’m struck by Fred Thompson’s candor. He is a man who is unafraid to say ‘I don’t know’ softly and repeatedly. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be his campaign slogan. This is the real ‘Straight Talk Express,’ a man who isn’t afraid to proclaim his utter ignorance of the issues facing Americans today or what he intends to do about them.

I was invited to speak at a University in Tehran, don’t think I’ll go, since merely driving by the Iranian Embassy renders me incontinent, but I appreciate the invitation. It’s basically a scheduling conflict; without disclosing too much, by the time of my first opportunity to be at the University, it will already be rubble.

Let’s keep that between you & me!


Dear Dairy:

Looks like there is a little bit of a storm over the fact that the four leading GOP candidates skipped a debate centering on African American issues last night. Critics are seizing on this to decry the fact that the Republican Party is about as carefully inclusive of all ethnicities as the Aryan Brotherhood at San Quentin, but I think there are a number of good reasons why the serious candidates chose not to attend.

From what I’m told, Rudy skipped it because he thought the idea of a minority-oriented GOP debate was some kind of prank, and who could blame him. McCain was aware that it was an actual event but he said that due to his busy schedule he simply didn’t have time to learn all of the elaborate handshakes. Romney would have been more than happy to attend, except as a matter of personal Faith he remains unconvinced that Blacks are people. Thompson could not reasonably be expected to attend because it has been proven that the less he talks, the more people like him, and certainly the less chance he has to demonstrate how exceedingly limited his grasp of any issue is. I’ll be surprised if we hear anything from him for months.

As good as these reasons are, I’m sure they won’t be enough to satisfy "some people." And then they wonder why we blow them off! The time to make empty demonstrations to minorities is in the general election, not the primaries. The question isn’t why these candidates didn’t show up; it’s why the others did.

Neat to see Huckabee say "lid of marijuana," though,


Dear Diary:

I see Rudy’s still having a tough time living down this $9.11 donation program at one of his fundraisers. Why not just have all the donations soaked in blood, Rudster? Anyway, maybe this will show him the folly of leaning too heavily on the events of 9/11 for political advantage. I mean, people see right through cheap attempts to trade points off of national tragedy, don’t they? If you’re going to bring it up at all, it should only be with the highest reverence and respect as you go after political opponents for being naïve or unpatriotic.

To be honest, I’m getting pretty ticked off at the way Rudy Giuliani constantly refers to the ‘leadership’ he showed on 9/11, as if he was the only figure of strength for Americans to look to on that dark day. I was President, fella!

Hiding under one’s desk weeping and struggling unsuccessfully to control one’s bowels doesn’t make one any less of a leader.

A different kind of leader,


Dear Dairy:

How are you? I am fine. Looks like Congress is gamely going to force my veto pen into action over this State Children’s Health Insurance Program. It’s sad to me that members of the House have decided to hold these children hostage by putting a gun in my hand and forcing me to hold it to the children’s heads. I’d like to hear how they explain that to Jesus!

Critics are saying my proposed funding is so inadequate that it would actually kick current enrollees out of the program. They say that like it’s a bad thing! Can you imagine the smiles on these kids’ faces when they learn that they are no longer considered poor? What a source of pride that will be! What healthy or not so healthy or even very sick American child wouldn’t give up medical care for that morale boost? Imagine what such a vote of confidence would do for the parents of such children, re-invigorating them to confidently go out and get that third job they have been up to now too demoralized by the labels we’ve affixed to them to pursue?

The know-it-alls are also pretty quick to point out this is one of the only examples in recent memory of me being unwilling to simply put spending on the Government Credit Card without a second’s thought. Hey, we need to provide vital funding to enable the poor kids in Iraq to have access to health care. Why are American kids so much more important to the United States Congress than Iraqi children?

Standing alone, away from the Isolationists,


Dear Dairy:

I saw President Ahmadinejad on Charlie Rose last night. You know what I think is disgusting? When a leader cloaks his thirst for power and his disdain for dissent with facile demonstrations of piety. I don’t think he is what anyone would call a religious man. What kind of ‘religious man’ would send soldiers and weapons into the sovereign nation of Iraq, costing untold numbers of innocent Iraqi citizens their lives? Why do the truly faithful of his nation, who make up his political base, not see through this hypocritical and insulting subterfuge? I prayed to Jesus, Whom I always consult on matters that presage the need for overwhelming military action, for His guidance during this difficult time.

But President Ahmadinejad really stepped in it when he spoke at Columbia University, amid vocal, angry protesters, denunciations from members of faculty, and hundreds of signs equating him with Hitler. Now he knows why I don’t speak at Columbia University!

Still, I am oppressed by the haunting reality that time is running out, and if I am to fulfill my mission--the central focus of my life--some drastic effort, or even divine intervention, may be necessary, because the consequences of failure are too personally devastating to contemplate. Every waking moment, and with every new piece of information or fresh intelligence report brought to my attention, I am confronted by the stark reality that I’m still one card away from completing my 2007 Topps Baseball set, and Baseball season is very nearly over.

I’m considering putting a bounty on Joe Crede’s head.


Dear Dairy:

President Ahmadinejad of Iran was interviewed by Scott Pelley on 60 Minutes last night. That guy is pretty bad at answering direct questions. He doesn’t seem to understand that in a nation that holds a Free Press to be sacred, a reporter’s questions need to be given the respect they deserve and answered as directly as possible.

Just kidding. Around here we prefer to think of it as being pretty good at not answering direct questions. But I can tell you, he would never get away with that meandering stuff with a journalist from FOX News; those guys won’t stand for it. ‘Just read the answer as scripted, Mr. President’ is what they always say.

Scott gave me the opportunity to relay a statement to President Ahmadinejad. I was going to have it be something statesmanlike but at the same time conciliatory, like ‘Do you like me? ___ Yes ___ No (check one)’ but instead I went with the friendly ‘You’ve made terrible choices for your people. You’ve isolated your nation. You’ve taken a nation of proud and honorable people and made your country the pariah of the world.’ I felt like I had to speak not just for myself but for all the other world leaders, and I know this is what they wanted me to say because somehow all the dignitaries at the APAC forum found out about the chance I’d be given and stuffed my pockets with notes on which these very words were written.

Extending a fig leaf,


Dear Dairy:

Sometimes, despite all of the progress we’ve made in terms of race relations in America, events come to pass that still make me despair for the truly colorblind spirit of brotherhood so essential for an enduring, unifying fellowship between all Americans of any ethnicity.

Such an event is present today in the circumstances surrounding what has been named ‘The Jena Six’ (no relation). It pains me to recognize that in this day and age—six years and ten days after 9/11, btw—the White powers that be in this small Southern community are interfering with the Constitutional rights of six African American boys—er, young men—to surround and beat and kick a single White boy curled up on the floor until he starts oozing everywhere, bleeding from the ears, etc. If they aren’t the breathing embodiment of Martin Luther King Jr.’s struggle, then maybe I missed the point of his famous ‘I Must Be Dreaming' speech. But I don’t think so.

I am heartened by the efforts of those protesting on the young mens’ behalf. Theirs is a principled stand, and I know that if circumstances were reversed, and six White kids were facing consequences for kicking a single Black youth into the hospital in the spirit of civil liberties, every one of those protesters would still be out in force, and Reverend Sharpton would be just as likely to stand up for that young man’s right to be kicked senseless.

Look how bravely he championed the attackers in the Duke case!


Dear Dairy:

I had to really let the Democrats have it today over the State Children's Health Insurance Program. I accused them of "putting poor children at risk so they can score political points in Washington" over their attempts to actually fund the program. If they really cared about those kids, they would do everything in their power to deny adequate funding, the way I love those poor kids enough to do by vetoing anything beyond the nominal increase I’ve suggested.

So the question is, do democrats care enough about poor, sick kids to cut off funding for their medicine and treatment? Do they love them enough to dump them out of wheelchairs and into the gutter? I doubt it. Do I! You bet. I love poor sick kids like nobody’s Goddamn business.

I love poor kids enough to adhere strictly to policies that increase their numbers. A President that hated children simply because they live in poverty would just try anything to eliminate them; to slash their defenseless numbers. It’s because of my Christian support of such children that I have found it in my heart to encourage their numbers. So that they can, if not thrive, certainly grow at a pace that might anger those who don’t look on these good Americans as benignly as I do.

I advise Democrats to not put the compassion of my conservatism to the test.



Dear Dairy:

Laura woke me up last night, saying she heard something downstairs. Concerned, I put on my robe and had her go downstairs to see what was going on; she came back up and told me the Vice President was tying one on with a big bow and I’d better go talk to him.

I found him in the Oval Office with what remained of a bottle of Wild Turkey, cleaning a handgun.
‘Uncle Dick? Is everything OK?’
‘Everything’s fine, boy. Go back to sleep.’
‘What are you doing?’
‘Can you believe these ingrates, trying to expel Blackwater, for Christ’s sake? My ass I’ll let them do it; my goddamn ass.’ He leaned back, resting his head. ‘How did it come to this? My beautiful Hydrocarbon Bill.’
‘It’ll pass, Uncle Dick; just you wait!’
‘Did you know there were thousands of war protestors in the streets of DC over the weekend?’
‘No sir; I didn’t hear anything about it.’
‘Me either,’ he waved it off. ‘Might not be true.’
‘Remember, Uncle Dick, we’ve still got 27% of the American people solidly behind our war plan.’
‘Yep,’ he sighed. ‘President Lincoln did say you could fool some of the people all of the time.’
‘You say that like it don’t mean nothing.’
‘It doesn’t, boy. Those people don’t really support us. They’re just too stubborn to admit they were wrong, or hate the other side too much to do it. Don’t you see, if it was a Democratic Administration who had conducted this war the exact same way, that same 27% would be calling for them to be hung from trees?
‘We’re doing important work, Uncle Dick. The Lord’s work, sure as I’m standing here.’
He looked at me for a long time. ‘You really believe that stuff?’
‘I sure do. We’re going to be remembered as champions of Democracy, Uncle Dick.’
‘Dammit boy, we went to the Supreme Court to stop votes being counted. We disenfranchised voters at every convenient opportunity, and used the Justice Department to do it. At this point,’ he poured the remainder of his bottle into a tumbler, ‘the best we can hope for is a short clock for History.’
I don’t know why, but I started crying about then.
‘Go on upstairs, boy; go back to bed. I’m just going to clean this gun for a little while and do some thinking.’
‘I want to stay with you…’
‘I said go! Now git!’

It was nice to have a personal dialogue with him; I treasure these heart-to-pacemaker talks. I’d sure like to have more of them, but whenever I ask his secretary, she always says he’s real busy. I know he values our time together too, though. When I came downstairs for my Fruit Loops this morning, a new box of Topps 2007 Baseball Cards was there waiting on the breakfast table!

PLEASE let Joe Crede be in there!


Dear Dairy:

How are you? I am fine. I see Hillary Clinton was the last of the democrat candidates to roll out her health plan, which was unveiled yesterday. It is essentially no different than the plans already offered by Edwards and Obama, except in one key respect: it is being offered by a candidate who could not successfully sell heroin to junkies. In fact, the similarity of her plan to plans that have been considered reasonable up to now is the best chance opponents have of sinking all of them, simply by associating them with her.

One thing Hillary supporters have somehow avoided grasping is the simple fact that she is unelectable to the office of President. There is a part of the country that democrats seem to forget every four years. It is called "the South." It’s not the fact that she’s a woman. She has more balls than the last two democrat nominees. It’s the fact that she is an amalgam of all the repellent elements of democrat candidates going back to Dukakis, and that she has all the charisma of a boil. She could win the NASCAR Nextel Cup, cure rickets, have Jesus as her VP and run unopposed, and still not take a single Southern state. I don’t know what electoral map her supporters are working off of, but around here that means the next-least incompetent of my Daddy’s sons could ride to easy victory against her.

And her supporters giggle about ME being dumb!



Dear Dairy:

People are interpreting my nomination of Michael Mukasey as the next Attorney General to be an indicator of my weakened position as President. They say Judge Mukasey is an uncharacteristic Bush Administration nominee because he is a) competent and b) actually suited for the position in question. But considering how many people think the Department of Justice building needs to be razed and rebuilt after the philosophical structural deficiencies of Attorney General Gonzales’s tenure, it’s possible the most competent and well-suited man for the job at hand is Bob Vila.

I wanted to nominate Harriet Miers but she said her appearing before Congress in confirmation hearings was "problematic." Something about having to wash her hair and impeachable offenses. Plus she still has a heavy workload, with all the laundry I send back for her to do. She says she's been 'handling my briefs too long to stop now!' I'll tell you, Barney could learn some lessons about loyalty from that gal.

There was quite a furor caused by former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan’s comments on the war in his new book: "I’m saddened that it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what everyone knows: The Iraq war is largely about oil." I am relieved that a few phone calls discussing the prospects of his book and his physical ability to promote it have elicited this retraction: "I’m saddened that it is personally inconvenient to acknowledge what everyone knows: The Iraq war is largely about oil."

Andrea Mitchell came thisclose to in-depth coverage of a detention camp and its practices with detainees!



Dear Dairy:

Everybody’s pretty ‘jazzed,’ as the kids say, about my speech last night to the American people. In it, I put forth a plan that both supporters and critics of the war could agree on, as long as they agree entirely with me. The most appealing part of the speech outlined troop reductions that may possibly even take us down near troop levels of last year—back to the magical, golden time that was 2006 in Iraq! This shows critics that call me ‘tragically stubborn’ that I am willing to change course, as long as it’s back to the course I chose before.

Actually, troops have been coming home in steady numbers all along; every day, in fact. Of course, returning alive would be better. For one thing, cameras wouldn’t be prohibited at their arrival.

The assassination of Sheik Rishawi yesterday points to more success resulting from the Surge. After publicly aligning himself with US forces, he was blown by a bomb outside his home into a state resembling a case of Ragú dropped from a great height. This most likely occurred because other warlords were jealous of his position at our side. Now all we have to do is convince Iraqi warlords to become publicly identified with us, and the population of these dangerous men will be steadily reduced.

Confidence in the Surge is surging!



Dear Dairy:

I’m looking forward to my speech tonight to explain to the American people why everything they know about Iraq is wrong. This speech is probably the most eagerly awaited television event since the ‘According to Jim’ finale, which finally did come.

I’ve been trying out a couple jokes, which never hurts a speech. After I was forced to spend nearly three minutes with House and Senate lawmakers Tuesday afternoon, I said to the press the meeting was staged for that ‘It’s very important before I make up my mind that I consult with leaders of the House and the Senate.’ But no one laughed. That joke kills around the West Wing!

The speech still needs work. I was practicing it for Leonard, the guy who brings me my sandwiches, and he started cracking up when I got to the part about bringing troops home ‘when and if I feel like it.’ Leonard, I said, that part wasn’t a joke! I told him to stay focused, as this is the most anxiously anticipated speech of my Presidency. ‘This is your farewell speech?’ he says.

As good as he was at cutting off crusts, a job just opened up on the White House kitchen staff.

Bad news re: General Petraeus; I was pinning a few more medals on him for his brave service on all the news shows when his jacket tore away under the added weight and fell to the ground, breaking his foot. This is exactly the kind of event that could put the plans for reduced troop levels by next Summer into the crapper.



Dear Dairy:

I’m getting ready to deliver my good news speech tomorrow to tell America that as long as conditions on the ground are met, I will not be extending troop deployments again. Given the Iraqi's tremendous success in meeting benchmarks, I do not foresee any problems.

One of the great things about announcing a reduction of troops that the terms of their enlistment, were we to honor them, had mandated anyway is it gives the illusion that I am responding to the will of the people. While troop numbers next year will be the same as they were last year, they will—if all goes according to our flawless plan—be less than this year. The beauty of a step in the wrong direction when you’re in a bad place is stepping back into the same bad place provides the illusion of a step in the right direction.

I may sweeten the speech even more by announcing that, as of today, I am not calling for an immediate reinstatement of the Draft, and if things progress as hoped, will not through the end of the month. Republicans in Congress are gonna carry me around on their shoulders like a football hero or the noble albatross.

Which may, under my Presidency, replace the outdated Bald Eagle!


Dear Dairy:

Today is the 6th anniversary of the darkest day of my Presidency, which is saying a lot because I’ve had more than my share of dark days. Americans everywhere are stopping to reflect on the significance of the date and to think back and remember where they were when they heard the awful news that Elvis Presley had died.

Six years. It seems longer; probably because of the intervening endless war we’ve become bogged down in.

I am determined that September 11th never happens again, and so I take this anniversary as a reminder of the work that remains. I have come up with a foolproof plan to meet that goal. I will shortly be introducing legislation that will require manufacturers to remove September 11 from all new calendars. Never again will Americans have to suffer through that terrible day. Plus, Christmas will come one day earlier! Why didn't I think of this before?

Actually, it might be more useful to require calendar manufacturers to make every day September 11. Three hundred-sixty five anniversaries a year of that dark day to remind folks of those events will save me having to mention them a couple dozen times in every speech I make.

I bet Rudy Giuliani thinks the idea’s a winner!


Dear Dairy:

I’m delighted by General Petraeus’s testimony before Congress today. I know people are suspicious that he is merely a heavily-medalled ventriloquist dummy for my Administration, saying what we scripted for him, but the truth is it’s just a coincidence that he’s saying exactly what we fervently hoped he would and nothing we found at all displeasing. Can’t people just respect the uniform and credit the man with cooking the books and cherry-picking the facts all on his own?

The best news to come out of the testimony is that if all goes perfectly and nothing unforeseen happens, we can draw down troop levels to pre-surge numbers by July of 2008---that is, if everything goes absolutely perfectly, we can be exactly where we were a year ago! Hooray! Glory days of 2006 in Iraq, here we come! (hopefully!)

I’m going to find out if Gen. Petraeus is available to write a report on my Administration’s response to Hurricane Katrina, so he can explain to everyone how misunderstood our flawless response to that "disaster" was!

Someone just got a leg up on writing an account of my Administration for the History books!


Dear Dairy:

The job numbers came out today and our projections were a little off; we predicted 115,000 new jobs, and instead lost 4,000. Job projection is an inexact science, however, and so it’s not all that unusual to be off by 30,000%. And to be fair, a good portion of those lost jobs were folks leaving my own Administration in disgrace.

I’m a little annoyed by the fault lines shooting through the Economy. That’s supposed to be a big part of my legacy, you know, the tremendous success investors have enjoyed during my Administration, even if the Treasury had to be looted in order for them to do it. If the stock market reverses the way the first-time home buyer market we used to brag about did, what will my legacy be? Lowering the percentage of children born into or living in poverty? It would be nice if it were true. Increasing the percentage of Americans enjoying adequate health care? Not likely. Increased opportunities for college scholarships? Possibly among those in Division 1 athletic programs. My unflagging loyalty to and support of the dangerously incompetent?

I take comfort knowing that, regardless of how any statistics will reflect on my time in office, I will be remembered as one of the 43 greatest Presidents the United States has ever had, up to this point in time.



Dear Dairy:

I watched the Republican debate last night and was pretty pleased by the apparent support for my war policy. Uncle Dick says there aren’t a lot of Americans who still support the war, but any Republican candidate has to appeal to them anyway. That, or run as a Democrat. I like the spin Mike Huckabee put on it: at this point, it’s all about ‘honor.’ And what is more honorable than to send young people to die or be physically or psychologically maimed to protect one’s sense of honor? In fact, if he didn’t have such a funny name, he might be a more serious contender. It just doesn’t sound presidential, though: ‘Mike.’

The competition between them to demonstrate commitment to the war rose to such a pitch that at one point I thought the candidates might call a few US soldiers up on stage and slaughter them personally just to show how strong their support of the military is.

In all, it’s a varied field. We’ve got a smart candidate, a mildly retarded candidate, a candidate who wants to abolish all aspects of government except the policing of a woman’s right to choose. We’ve got a candidate that is likely before too long to do all his public speaking from a mock-up of his Vietnamese cell; we’ve got a candidate that has been an actor so long that no one can get him to come out of his trailer despite repeated calls of ‘action!’ But in the end, whatever their differences, they all have one thing in common:

Any one of them could grow a Hitler moustache and go on a cross-country flag-burning tour and still beat Hillary Clinton in a general election.



Dear Dairy:

How are you? I am fine. I’m still in Australia, and I’m hoping to get a chance to do some sightseeing and soak up the rich cultural history of this great nation. They’re pretty guarded about letting foreigners see these sites, though; whenever I ask my security detail which way to Mozart’s house or Freud’s office, they just sort of shrug and look to each other uncomfortably.

Prime Minister John Howard’s popularity has inexplicably suffered due to his close association with and support for my policies. He keeps begging me to tell him what the "real" plan is. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about. The plan is total victory. ‘What does total victory even mean?’ he says. Total victory means total victory, I told him. He got this look of numb shock on his face and then collapsed, weeping. It was very difficult for me to watch. I told him to relax and hold out until the Democrats take over, then blame anything less than total victory on them, but he just sobbed more violently.

The really neat thing about my visit is this Coriolis Effect, which makes the water swirl the other way in the toilet than it does on the right side of the world. To be honest, I’m not really sure whether it swirls clock- or counter-clockwise back home, but I’ve been spending most of my free time just flushing the toilet and watching it go down anyway, while I’m here. It’s pretty neat!

Nobody here can even tell me where Falco lives!


Dear Dairy:

To demonstrate the improved security directly resulting from the Surge I authorized, I visited Iraq yesterday. Thanks to the Surge, I am perfectly comfortable making unannounced clandestine visits of over five hours into the safest part of the Green Zone before getting on the fastest plane out of there.

The visit let me announce that the improved security of the Surge raises the opportunity to draw down our forces. It works the same way as the Oil Industry, from which we take so many of our cues. Say soldiers are refineries, and security is the demand for gas. If a certain number of soliers/refineries can meet a certain level of security/demand for gas, then redeploying soldiers/taking refineries offline will leave the level of security/demand for gas met and unaffected. Understand?

Actually, I would like to have stayed longer in Iraq, but the air there just doesn't agree with me; I suffer terrible allergic reactions. I swear, every time I get a lungful of that Iraqi air it makes my whole body tremble and my bowels impossible to control.



Dear Dairy:

How are you? I am fine. I’m sad to see yet another of the faithful departing the fold; Tony Snow will be leaving his position as White House spokesman on September 14th, as soon as we finish solemnly, tastefully and respectfully milking the anniversary of Sept. 11th for all the political advantage we can.

His official reason for leaving is that as a father of three, he needs to make more money than the $168,000 he is paid here, and I suppose no one can blame him there. I have no idea how Americans could be expected to scrape by on such an insulting wage. I’m a little vague on what the ‘official’ poverty line is, but it’s got to be well above that. I can only imagine the squalor of his vacation home; it’s probably nowhere near the water. Still, I suppose lots of fellas would be reluctant to leave employer-provided insurance coverage for him and his family, especially in the middle of Cancer treatment, but those are the kinds of shiftless Americans who do not demand of themselves Tony’s moxy, his initiative, and his lucrative prospects on the Conservative speaking engagement circuit.

Still, I know he’s going to miss doing what he loves most: distorting and contorting the truth while dismissing facts and painting those who present them as unpatriotic cowards all-too-eager to fellate the terrorists they so revere.

Uncle Dick said 'Wait until he finds out about a little term they use in the private insurance industry he's been defending called "pre-existing condition."'



Dear Dairy:

Leaks today from the General Accounting Office regarding Gen. Petraeus’s report on the progress of the Surge we’re so eager for that we went ahead and wrote it for him indicate that only 3 of the 18 benchmarks we’ve set for the Iraqi government are being met. People are bound to misinterpret this as a failure of the Surge, when anyone not rendered insensible and blind by their slavish devotion to a flawed view of Iraq can see the reality: we set 15 too many benchmarks! In actual fact, the al-Maliki government should be applauded for going 3-for-3!

Still, it would be nice if some progress had been made toward the other 15 benchmarks. I said to Uncle Dick, ‘There must be one fella in all of Iraq that can contain these warring factions, control civil unrest and the influence of foreign governments and insurgents, provide security and basic services to the Iraqi people and, most importantly, maintain the steady flow of oil out of Iraq.’

He said there is, but he got his neck lengthened by about six inches last year.

I’d still like to meet him!


Dear Dairy:

The field of Republican presidential candidates is like a sale bin of dangerously defective toys—something only the most desperate middle Americans can be expected to want to take anything from, and even then not with any enthusiasm. Take a core issue like abortion: Rudy’s for it. That won’t wash. Fred Thompson used to lobby in favor of it. That won’t wash either. Mitt Romney is firmly ideologically set against it, unless it’ll buy him a vote, in which case he’ll cheerily perform one personally. Ron Paul is actually committedly against it, but his Libertarian streak also says it’s OK for Americans to eat aborted fetuses out of Planned Parenthood’s dumpsters without government interference.

The truth is, there is only one candidate that can rouse disaffected Republican voters inclined to sit this election out; there is only one candidate with the standing and profile and hard-won reputation to defeat the Democrats. There is, in the hard light of fact, but one candidate who can lighten the somber outlook of Republican strategists and can guarantee the enthusiasm and voter turnout among the GOP faithful necessary to ensure a Republican victory in November of 2008.

That candidate is Hillary Clinton.



Dear Dairy:

Another day, another republican gay sex scandal; this time it’s Senator Larry Craig. We’ve had the Mark Foley scandal, the Ted Haggard scandal, and the Bob Allen scandal—and those are just our gay sex scandals! Good thing the prostitutes Duke Cunningham was trading government contracts for and David Vitters had changing his diapers were women!

Not that I’m convinced Allen or Craig are actually gay. It could just be their misfortune to have a history of getting terribly, overwhelmingly horny when they happen to be in an environment where, sadly, no women are available. Or that they are just exceptionally hard workers for their candidate--turns out Allen’s working for McCain, and Craig’s working for Romney. Who knows, it could be that Giuliani and Fred Thompson will be vying for George Michael's endorsement in pursuit of the the gay washroom constituency before this is all through. I suppose you'd call this kind of aggressive campaigning 'balls to the stall.'

But I think as elected officials, it’s up to us to spot these fellas among us. I mean, open your eyes, Republicans! Look around the whorehouse! Whoever isn’t there is more than likely making googly-eyes in a public men’s room somewhere.



Dear Diary:

It is with great reluctance and sadness that I accepted the resignation of Attorney General Gonzales (code name: Speedy) this morning. Uncle Dick, who read the letter, said only a few of the words were spelled correctly, those probably by accident, and that we need to get some non-Billy Graham University grads in the Justice Department to take dictation ASAP. Evidently, the official reason for the resignation cited in the letter was Alberto’s wish to spend more time with his family and less time being the most notoriously incompetent Attorney General in our nation’s history.

I’m certainly going to miss his stalwart loyalty. Most of my underlings are happy to wipe my backside, but what made Alberto special was his eagerness to do it with the Constitution. Like Karl before him, I’m not sure if the best way to show the nation’s gratitude for service to my policies, i.e. his country, is to award him the Medal of Freedom or a full pardon. One would be nice, but the other may prove to be a whole lot more useful.

Can I give him both at the same ceremony?


Dear Diary:

It sure came as a surprise to hear Senator John Warner come out advocating withdrawal from Iraq. As a war veteran, former Secretary of the Navy, and former Chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, he is probably one of the last guys I would have expected, frankly, to be a terrorist-lover.

He says that too many of our fighting men and women are being blown into too many pieces on the streets of Iraq while the Iraqi Parliament sits with its feet up, quibbling and making no progress. Look, I agree, there is much important work to be done, most pressingly on the passage of the Hydrocarbon Bill—at this rate, the unprincipled democrats in Congress will overcome my Administration’s compassionate resistance to health care for children in poverty before Oil Companies get their fair share (80%) of Iraq’s oil reserves!--but it’s not fair to characterize the Iraqi Parliament that way.

Actually, they’re on recess, so that’s a month-long rest from having their feet up while our soldier’s bodyparts collect on the streets outside Parliament.

How do we get the insurgents to take a recess?


Dear Dairy:

Even though Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke (code name: Bernie) gave financial markets a shot in the arm by slashing rates last week, people are already talking about a coming financial crisis and likening the economy to a giant floating craps game, only it’s a game where people play with IOU’s on their IOU’s and the object of the game seems to be to lose ever-more spectacular amounts. I don’t see what the problem is; all of our economic policies are based firmly on the work of the respected economist Charles Ponzi, who Uncle Dick tells me is practically a household name.

I’m very slightly worried, because the robust economy I’ve been touting is really about the only facet of my Presidency people don’t include on those annoying lists of ‘Reasons Why George Bush is the Worst President of the Modern Era.’ If the economy goes the way the experts say it will, all we really have to brag about as far as results of my policies is the impressive growth in the Artificial Limb Manufacturing sector.

Maybe I can help with the 'credit crunch' by avoiding taking credit for it?


Dear Dairy:

Seems like the Republican ranks are thinning every day; more and more resignations and announcements from Republicans in Congress that they will not be seeking another term. Evidently they do not think they stand much chance at re-election, despite their canny strategy of aligning themselves with me and unquestioningly supporting my initiatives.

Uncle Dick says the last time there was this level of desertion among a party's members, there was a high demand for exit visas from Germany to Argentina.

Bet Argentina’s sounding good to some folks now!


Dear Dairy:

I heard today that as a result of the lead paint scare and recall of Chinese-made Mattel toys, the owner of the factory in China that produced the toys hung himself. This points up the difference between their culture and ours: as a result of damaging scandal, a CEO in China will commit the cowardly act of suicide, whereas here he would be forced to bravely accept a lucrative golden parachute and become active in Republican party politics.

I’m glad we don’t have their debased idea of ‘honor’ or ‘shame’ here; the White House rafters would be tasseled with nooses!


Dear Dairy:

Karl was on Face the Nation yesterday, followed by John McCain. It saddens me that people are so gleeful about Turd Blossom leaving that even an extraordinarily servile water-carrier like McCain had little good to say about him—and after Karl went to all that trouble finding out how voters in the 2000 South Carolina Republican primary might feel about him having an illegitimate Black baby! I notice, however, that he took the results to heart and has made a point of not fathering one. But do we get any credit?

It saddens me that the polarized atmosphere in Washington has become so poisonous. I have tried so hard to build bipartisan consensus, by insisting that everything be done exactly as I wish, and coloring anyone who disagrees with me as weak, naïve, or a supporter of terrorism. Still, somehow, bitterness remains.

Consensus building is hard work!


Dear Dairy:

Evidently Dad (code name: 41) has been pretty depressed, which might explain why he’s had a tendency to be overcome with emotion pretty easily for the last little while now. Whether it’s crying at Jeb’s tribute dinner, or at the Billy Graham Museum opening, or ordering the Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s, Dad has been tearing up at just about any opportunity lately.

Evidently, he’s been very brought down by negative comments about me. People come up to him and say they like him a lot but don’t like me, or don’t like my policies, or don’t like the direction I’m taking America in, or feel like my Presidency has been like a ‘Bring Your Halfwit Son to Work-Day’ that has lasted seven years.

He says like any parent, he's proud of his Little Leaguer, but really, really, really looks forward to the game being over.


Dear Dairy:

It’s a big day for us here; Laura and I are proud to announce the engagement of our daughter Jenna to Henry Hager, a swell young man who has been courting her for some time.

It would have been sorta handy politically if she hooked up with someone on active duty serving in the war against terror, but she told me that rich, well-connected children of powerful fathers who support them financially through their twenties while they work in pro-war Republican politics are in painfully short supply in the military. It’s the main reason she and not-Jenna don’t enlist; they’d have no one to hang out with.

She should check the Texas Air National Guard!


Dear Dairy:

Remember last month how we said Ninevah could shift to Iraqi control as early as this month? Well, good news-bad news: it has, but the Iraqi hands it has fallen into are al Qaeda’s. Still, it feels good to be proven right for once.

There are some bumps, I guess you’d call ‘em—as many as 500 Iraqi civilians killed in bomb attacks in the last couple days—but hopefully this will show critics the need to keep a continued forceful presence there to fight the unending supply of new terrorist recruits emerging in response to our continued forceful presence there.

Note to self: read up on this ‘hydra’ folks keep likening the insurgency to.


Dear Dairy:

Mitt Romney won the Iowa Straw Poll he basically financed, air-conditioned, catered and paid everyone to vote in. Is this the future of American politics: flat-out buying races?

Whatever happened to good old TV, radio and direct mail attack ads, cat’s paw smear campaigns, posing as the opposition and misrepresenting their positions, negative push-polling, and unvarnished appeals to voters’ bigotry, xenophobia and fear?

It’s sad for me to see Romney undermine the integrity of the Democratic process.


Dear Dairy:

It is with a heavy heart that I accepted the resignation of Karl Rove (code name: turd blossom) today. He cited the usual reasons to the press: that he wants to spend more time with his family, and less time being thought of as the second-most evil guy in the most spectacularly failed Presidential Administration of the modern era.

Who’ll be there to let me win at checkers? Or to explain some of the more complicated jokes in the ‘Garfield’ comic strips I so love? It’s not right for him to leave when we have so many important goals left to achieve—for instance, I’m still one card away from finishing my 2007 Topps Baseball set.

Where are you, Joe Crede?


Dear Dairy:

People are making a big fuss over Mitt Romney supporting the war while his five sons are here campaigning for him rather than enlisting to fight it. Why, that doesn’t make him a hypocrite. That just makes him five hypocrites’ father. But let’s not forget how many brave men and women risk life and limb every day from IEDs and rocket attacks on the campaign trail.

Not every family has a couple of real live heroes to brag about!



Dear Dairy:

I’ve been watching Rudy Giuliani speaking a lot lately and I’m a little ticked off by how constantly he refers to 9/11. 9/11, 9/11, 9/11. I mean, sneak in a vowel every once in a while, pal; mix it up. It’s insulting and disgraceful to have someone continually using our national tragedy to elevate themselves, quiet their critics, and further their agenda.

Haven’t the events of 9/11 taught us anything about demagogues?


Dear Dairy:

I’ve been pretty busy since I signed the ‘Protect America Act’ into law, which basically allows me to listen to anything or read anything I want, with no oversight except a secret court—a court so secret Congress has to take us on our word that it even exists. It was nice to sign a law I couldn’t even make better with a signing statement! Sam Alito called to congratulate me; he said he read the law and it made him come in his pants.

I told him I already knew that because we overheard him saying it on an earlier call he made to Scalia.



Dear Dairy:

Finished my two-day meeting with Hamid Karzai yesterday. Exhausting. The guy knew absolutely nothing about Baseball. I explained to him the elements of the game, how to fill out a scorecard, and a historical overview, so certainly important ground was covered—which was difficult because he’s not the most focused guy in the third world, and his mind kept wandering to the "alarming" resurgence of al Qaeda and the Taliban in his country, and problems his economy is facing beyond its nearly entire reliance on the booming opium poppy production industry. However, by the end of his visit his new understanding of our national pastime put our two nations on much firmer footing together going forward.

Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack!