Dear Dairy:

Everybody’s pretty ‘jazzed,’ as the kids say, about my speech last night to the American people. In it, I put forth a plan that both supporters and critics of the war could agree on, as long as they agree entirely with me. The most appealing part of the speech outlined troop reductions that may possibly even take us down near troop levels of last year—back to the magical, golden time that was 2006 in Iraq! This shows critics that call me ‘tragically stubborn’ that I am willing to change course, as long as it’s back to the course I chose before.

Actually, troops have been coming home in steady numbers all along; every day, in fact. Of course, returning alive would be better. For one thing, cameras wouldn’t be prohibited at their arrival.

The assassination of Sheik Rishawi yesterday points to more success resulting from the Surge. After publicly aligning himself with US forces, he was blown by a bomb outside his home into a state resembling a case of Ragú dropped from a great height. This most likely occurred because other warlords were jealous of his position at our side. Now all we have to do is convince Iraqi warlords to become publicly identified with us, and the population of these dangerous men will be steadily reduced.

Confidence in the Surge is surging!