Dear Dairy:

Everyone’s using adverbs like ‘crushing’ and ‘humiliating’ and ‘impotence-exposing’ to describe the defeat of my Immigration Bill, which lost 46-53 in Senate voting yesterday. The naysayers claim it will set back immigration reform for 2 years; well into my third term.

But facing hard facts is a Democratic strategy of little use to me. So I have drawn up plans for a Congressional ‘surge’—I will call up 15 additional Senators to serve on Capitol Hill and quell the insurgency that has denied our objectives so far, and set us on a clear path to victory. I will assign General Pace to issue a report on conditions from the Senate floor in September, and at that point decide whether additional Senator deployments will be necessary.

If this doesn’t succeed, my plan C will be to allow a flood of undocumented congressmen to come and take their jobs. They will work with fewer congressional recesses, lower pay and reduced benefits. It could revitalize Congress the way it has so many other industries here in the States.

El Gusto es Mio,