Dear Dairy:

There’s a tussle going on now between the GOP candidates for President as to which of them represents ‘real’ Republicanism. I think the best way for them to demonstrate their commitment to the core GOP principles would be to actually put them into practice on the campaign trail.

Firstly, they should spend vastly more on their campaigns than they are taking in with their fundraising. Deficits don’t matter, and there must be other economic indicators they can use to actually hold up as evidence of the financial success their campaigns are experiencing. If they put all their debt on a credit card, think of the robust bonus awards points they’d be able to point to accruing!

Secondly, they should have their campaign workers form unions, and then smash the organized labor efforts that make their campaigns run by locking out their workers until they accept reduced compensation and less strict safety in the workplace. This will be especially effective if they label the demands of their staffers as anti-American and ship the unpaid jobs overseas.

Thirdly and most importantly, they need to get a Hell of a lot nosier. The Republican Party is the party of minding other people’s business. People sometimes mistake this as trying to ‘legislate morality.’ We are not trying to legislate morality; we just want to make what we view as immorality illegal. Can’t folks see the difference? Peep through a few windows on the campaign trail; listen to some private phone calls. Show folks what you stand for!

Only once they can demonstrate their commitment to these core Republican principles in their own campaigns can they be trusted to implement them in the White House.