It is with great reluctance and sadness that I accepted the resignation of Attorney General Gonzales (code name: Speedy) this morning. Uncle Dick, who read the letter, said only a few of the words were spelled correctly, those probably by accident, and that we need to get some non-Billy Graham University grads in the Justice Department to take dictation ASAP. Evidently, the official reason for the resignation cited in the letter was Alberto’s wish to spend more time with his family and less time being the most notoriously incompetent Attorney General in our nation’s history.
I’m certainly going to miss his stalwart loyalty. Most of my underlings are happy to wipe my backside, but what made Alberto special was his eagerness to do it with the Constitution. Like Karl before him, I’m not sure if the best way to show the nation’s gratitude for service to my policies, i.e. his country, is to award him the Medal of Freedom or a full pardon. One would be nice, but the other may prove to be a whole lot more useful.
Can I give him both at the same ceremony?