Dear Dairy:

How are you? I am fine. I’m still in Australia, and I’m hoping to get a chance to do some sightseeing and soak up the rich cultural history of this great nation. They’re pretty guarded about letting foreigners see these sites, though; whenever I ask my security detail which way to Mozart’s house or Freud’s office, they just sort of shrug and look to each other uncomfortably.

Prime Minister John Howard’s popularity has inexplicably suffered due to his close association with and support for my policies. He keeps begging me to tell him what the "real" plan is. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about. The plan is total victory. ‘What does total victory even mean?’ he says. Total victory means total victory, I told him. He got this look of numb shock on his face and then collapsed, weeping. It was very difficult for me to watch. I told him to relax and hold out until the Democrats take over, then blame anything less than total victory on them, but he just sobbed more violently.

The really neat thing about my visit is this Coriolis Effect, which makes the water swirl the other way in the toilet than it does on the right side of the world. To be honest, I’m not really sure whether it swirls clock- or counter-clockwise back home, but I’ve been spending most of my free time just flushing the toilet and watching it go down anyway, while I’m here. It’s pretty neat!

Nobody here can even tell me where Falco lives!