Dear Dairy:

I watched the Republican debate last night and was pretty pleased by the apparent support for my war policy. Uncle Dick says there aren’t a lot of Americans who still support the war, but any Republican candidate has to appeal to them anyway. That, or run as a Democrat. I like the spin Mike Huckabee put on it: at this point, it’s all about ‘honor.’ And what is more honorable than to send young people to die or be physically or psychologically maimed to protect one’s sense of honor? In fact, if he didn’t have such a funny name, he might be a more serious contender. It just doesn’t sound presidential, though: ‘Mike.’

The competition between them to demonstrate commitment to the war rose to such a pitch that at one point I thought the candidates might call a few US soldiers up on stage and slaughter them personally just to show how strong their support of the military is.

In all, it’s a varied field. We’ve got a smart candidate, a mildly retarded candidate, a candidate who wants to abolish all aspects of government except the policing of a woman’s right to choose. We’ve got a candidate that is likely before too long to do all his public speaking from a mock-up of his Vietnamese cell; we’ve got a candidate that has been an actor so long that no one can get him to come out of his trailer despite repeated calls of ‘action!’ But in the end, whatever their differences, they all have one thing in common:

Any one of them could grow a Hitler moustache and go on a cross-country flag-burning tour and still beat Hillary Clinton in a general election.