Dear Dairy:

Laura woke me up last night, saying she heard something downstairs. Concerned, I put on my robe and had her go downstairs to see what was going on; she came back up and told me the Vice President was tying one on with a big bow and I’d better go talk to him.

I found him in the Oval Office with what remained of a bottle of Wild Turkey, cleaning a handgun.
‘Uncle Dick? Is everything OK?’
‘Everything’s fine, boy. Go back to sleep.’
‘What are you doing?’
‘Can you believe these ingrates, trying to expel Blackwater, for Christ’s sake? My ass I’ll let them do it; my goddamn ass.’ He leaned back, resting his head. ‘How did it come to this? My beautiful Hydrocarbon Bill.’
‘It’ll pass, Uncle Dick; just you wait!’
‘Did you know there were thousands of war protestors in the streets of DC over the weekend?’
‘No sir; I didn’t hear anything about it.’
‘Me either,’ he waved it off. ‘Might not be true.’
‘Remember, Uncle Dick, we’ve still got 27% of the American people solidly behind our war plan.’
‘Yep,’ he sighed. ‘President Lincoln did say you could fool some of the people all of the time.’
‘You say that like it don’t mean nothing.’
‘It doesn’t, boy. Those people don’t really support us. They’re just too stubborn to admit they were wrong, or hate the other side too much to do it. Don’t you see, if it was a Democratic Administration who had conducted this war the exact same way, that same 27% would be calling for them to be hung from trees?
‘We’re doing important work, Uncle Dick. The Lord’s work, sure as I’m standing here.’
He looked at me for a long time. ‘You really believe that stuff?’
‘I sure do. We’re going to be remembered as champions of Democracy, Uncle Dick.’
‘Dammit boy, we went to the Supreme Court to stop votes being counted. We disenfranchised voters at every convenient opportunity, and used the Justice Department to do it. At this point,’ he poured the remainder of his bottle into a tumbler, ‘the best we can hope for is a short clock for History.’
I don’t know why, but I started crying about then.
‘Go on upstairs, boy; go back to bed. I’m just going to clean this gun for a little while and do some thinking.’
‘I want to stay with you…’
‘I said go! Now git!’

It was nice to have a personal dialogue with him; I treasure these heart-to-pacemaker talks. I’d sure like to have more of them, but whenever I ask his secretary, she always says he’s real busy. I know he values our time together too, though. When I came downstairs for my Fruit Loops this morning, a new box of Topps 2007 Baseball Cards was there waiting on the breakfast table!

PLEASE let Joe Crede be in there!